Thursday, January 31, 2013

It's like looking in a mirror...

If you're curious to know what I look like right now in ICU after Friday's surgery, this Iranian space monkey depicts me perfectly, from the velcroed-in leg restraints and little socks, to the bald head and sad face of pain and pure terror of his fate in life. Thank you space monkey, for making my life a little easier. Now I don't even have to take a picture.

Saddest picture ever.

Monkey business aside (yah I went there), surgery went fantastically well and I am slowly healing. They took out what was left of my tumor, the lower right lobe of my lung, part of my diaphragm muscle, and scraped some cancer from the vena cava that leads to my heart. I've had an epidural & two chest tubes put in, and I'm of the opinion that three is enough for one lifetime. That shit HURTS.

It is very hard to walk due to weakness and shortness of breath, but I'm working with a physical therapist every day to strengthen my stamina. I'll be inpatient at SK for the next week.

I hope your fate is as good as mine, space monkey.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Wig Post

A good wig is hard to find, amiright?

This time around I'm really liking South Korean-made wigs from Gabalnara-- cute styles & a very realistic quality... you just have to look past the creepy "Ulzzang" faces.

Thursday, January 10, 2013


Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and all of those other greetings I have so egregiously missed for the past few months of not blogging. I hope you will forgive me.

For those interested in the numbers: I am now almost done with chemo cycle 4 of 12, the scans are showing that the lung tumor is shrinking nicely and I have surgery scheduled for Jan 25th to remove it-- something I am thoroughly dreading. Afterwards, more chemo and radiation until September.

I am having a much harder time emotionally this time around. Something to do with the unspeakable bummer of a 3rd diagnosis while still in my 20's, feeling jaded and weak and furiously angry at my lot in life. An impalpable sense that I am being cheated wafting all around me at all times. I have no healthy way of disposing this anger and frustration so it comes out surreptitiously in the form of constant grumpiness, which I'm sure makes me a pleasure to be around. It's probably not you, it's me. I've been craving a lot of time alone and I'm not sure people understand why I need it, but I do.

Grumpiness aside, I am so incredibly grateful for the support system I have & all of the wonderful people who have donated money to help smooth the rough path to remission. These donations help me afford a car service to chemo in the mornings (so I don't have to take the crowded flu ridden subway), healthy groceries, and medical deductibles. I wish I could thank every benefactor personally but I realize the biggest act of gratitude is to keep writing and sharing-- the things that brought you here in the first place.

I'm planning a bunch of new posts soon, but to tide you over, I'd highly recommend checking out this book, The Emperor of all Maladies, a surprisingly intimate and fascinating amalgamation of case studies, the history of cancer, its significance in culture throughout the ages, and how modern cancer treatment came to be.