Thursday, May 26, 2011

book club

I'm blogging more because I have no one to talk to here.

spending my nights in quiet solitude, which is so refreshing after living at the beach house and never having a minute to myself.

finished Goethe's The Sorrows of Young Werther and collected poems

now starting the Bell Jar again... this is perhaps the 5th or 6th time I've read it (typical, right?). I figure it's fitting for a lonely summer in New York. The only other book I've read as many times (once a year practically) is Jens Peter Jacobson's "Neils Lyhne", although I think I've grown out of his idealism.

I didn't have the energy or concentration to read during treatment, which is partially why we wanted to make a comic book. It's easy on the chemo-brain :)

have you read anything good lately?

oh yeah... my birthday is in 2 days; I will be the ripe old age of 26.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

my heart soars on the streets of Brooklyn

So, I am here, fucking finally, after 2 years of failed planning, doubt, and illness getting in my way. I mean, it's still in my way, but from now on I'm going to be that rude bitch on the street that just elbows past it, never even looking back or apologizing, because I HAVE SOMEWHERE I NEED TO BE. So there.

(It's taken me a very long time to get to this point.)

I've had a lot going on lately. A documentary crew, which I am forbidden to speak of, has been following me since late April. They even filmed my flight here with iceman. It's incredibly surreal and exhausting. I'm doing this because I hope people will benefit from it in the same way as this blog; here is a girl you can relate to, whose had struggle and suffering and pain and is somehow stubborn enough to keep pursuing a dream, and most importantly, willing to let you into her life. Seriously, everyone is welcome. I invite you all to share my life with me. I feel it would be a waste if I didn't share it.

My health is stable right now. I'm currently on an oxycontin/codone regimen that works well enough. I'm not pain free, but I can get out of bed in the mornings. It does make me drowsy & I'm trying to get an rx for Nuvigil, which my doc said would combat the fatigue. Has anyone tried this? I worry that I won't have the stamina to work the normal 8-12 hour days required in the fashion industry. We'll see... I need to secure a JOB first, a task I am finding heartbreakingly difficult so far.

Keep trying, keep working, keep moving. Keep your chin up, kid. Many, many artists and writers that I admire struggled with countless rejections and few published works during their lifetime. The shared human experience is surprisingly consistent.

The comic is going well, I have left Jon with all of the final illustrations and we are preparing to finally send out backer prizes, yay! We are planning to release the 1st issue in conjunction with the airing of this "documentary series" who's name we dare not mention.

What else? I'm enjoying the beautiful weather and my working body, walking right foot, left foot, cognizant that I might not have the chance someday. Happy despite great faults. Hopeful to nurture new friendships and meet kindred spirits. and stuff.

I like you too

that pretty much sums it up.

Monday, May 9, 2011

when everything is connected

I've stumbled across the astonishing blog of Derek K. Miller, a tech writer from Canada who intimately chronicled his battle, and recent death, from stage 4 colorectal cancer. He was a mere 41.

I say astonishing because I find myself relating so closely to his insight, the way he adapts to his disease, his matter-of-fact logicality and humor. He was able to prepare for his own death, and even had a living wake- basically, one final chance to party it up. The last post on his blog was published posthumously a few weeks ago, a somber summation of his life and what its really like to die.
"I haven't gone to a better place, or a worse one. I haven't gone anyplace, because Derek doesn't exist anymore. As soon as my body stopped functioning, and the neurons in my brain ceased firing, I made a remarkable transformation: from a living organism to a corpse, like a flower or a mouse that didn't make it through a particularly frosty night. The evidence is clear that once I died, it was over."

I'm so grateful that Derek had the resolve to share his cancer with the world, with the infinite interwebs, with me.

It reminds me that this blog is important too, for just that reason.

So, some people are dying right now, and some are still fighting , but I am living. Really living, moving on, trying to forget the scarred past, the residual pain, the uncertain future. Filling my head with the scent of new summer rain on unexplored Brooklyn streets.

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I can't forget it, but I can build on it. I will add new layers. I will stabilize my crumbling foundation like this old brick wall outside my window. Still standing, somehow.

I'm happy for every miserable second of my life.