Wednesday, October 8, 2008

a memorial for something or another



I feel obligated be candid on this blog, despite the desire to protect myself. Voyerism is a vulnerability. So is cancer, so is life. And, life is all about other people, living things, only diffused through one's self and then back again, sharing, hopefully infinitely. The lack of blood is making me crazy.

So I write, even though earlier I kept my face firmly planted in a bathtowel crying, sobbing hard, so that my family in the next room wouldn't notice. I am broken down. My body is a mess, my mind slowly slipping into the grips of phobia. The thought of having a needle biopsy in my neck tomorrow is terrifying. I will simply. refuse.
I am only two decades long.
and so much more pain to come

What thread do I have to hold onto? Little mediocre things to satisfy.

my shoulders are numb
no great weight, just
lack of bloodflow
feeling
my heart beating
my body senseless
literally.
incessantly
trying to make it up to me
it's ok baby.
i dont mind if you
let me down
again.
i can
pick myself up
just fine baby my
shoulders are numb
anyway.



3 comments:

vickita2885 said...

I love you and I can't wait for this weekend. :)

ripmorbidkitty said...

The pain will be over soon...and when it is, it will fade into the background. It's okay to cry...it's better than keeping it in. I did the same and I shouldn't have. You have your family and friends shoulders to cry on. They are there to help you through every step. It's a team effort. If I can recommend something that helped me with the pain. Breathing excerices. My bfs mom taught me this one. Pretend that the air outside you is like sunlike, and the air inside you is darker. Breathe in as deep as you can, imagining that the sunny air is taking away all the room from the dark air, squeezing the dark air out. Imagine the sunny air going to your fingertips to your toes. The light air is the healing air. Everytime anything hurt, it helped take the mind off the pain. A trick my psychatrist told me too is...you have to tell yourself you will beat it. It's like a psychological healing. Imagine your sick cells being beat up by the healthy one. Tell yourself you can do it, you can do it. You tell that cancer it's not going to take you and you're going to get better. I know you can do it.

benicek said...

Painful reading :(

This may make you laugh or annoy you, or both. I found that your blog has a non-identical twin:

http://msmargarita1.blogspot.com/