I will know the results of my new bone and CT scans tomorrow morning before chemo. It is always harrowing waiting for scan results- is the mass shrinking? Miraculously gone? Or has it spread to my lungs and I have a month to live? My disease is so fast-moving and under-studied that no one can make an accurate prediction. We will cross our fingers and wait.
Taking a walk in Half Moon Bay this weekend was inspiring. Reuniting with friends in the city was equally so. I can't help but feel removed when I visit- everyone carrying on as normal, and I with the big red "cancer" stamp on my forehead. It is an unavoidable part of me now.
The question is, will the people I love let cancer be a part of them?
So much inspiration lately. Writing lyrics, poetry, prose. Drawing all of you little gifts. Absolutely no fashion design. I have remembered the things most vital to me. I feel heavier than I ever could have felt without this diease; the crushing weight of experience now resting on my shoulders. I have more focus and direction than I ever could have dreamed. Momentum. I hurl myself a million miles an hour at happiness, if only because I have to. The combination of weight and velocity renders things unstoppable, no?