Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I wish I could share with you just how painful this all is. Not to experience the pain, per say, but to learn. Sometimes I think of my life in movie clips and I want to share poignant little parts...

At times I feel strong, like all of this is no big deal, and other times I am hellbent that suicide is the only thing left to get rid of it. "It" being the cancer, my pain, the pain I seem to be giving my family and friends.

Life is hard, live it for as long as you can take it.


Kate Burton said...

I know the pain that you are in and all that I can say it that it will not last forever. That being said, have you and your team discussed antidepressants or anti anxiety medications. They don't make the world a sunny place but they can help.

BTW, I've not checked out, I'm a pandora girl. I'll have to take a look. Hang in there, you are stronger than you think.

Anonymous said...

Don't you worry about what your illness is doing to your family. We're strong and we can take it. You just concentrate on getting better. You can be that rock for us when you have your health back. And don't forget, I always said that I would move in with you and your sister when I was an old lady and needed taken care of. You have to hang around for that. Lots of love.

Levi said...

I have been in similar pain with cancer and chemo.
Your friends and family will be fine. Just keep some sort of faith that you'll pull through. The best revenge against cancer is to live your life. Please try your hardest to be determined to live.

UnparalleledUmbrellas said...

hang in there doll! you got a lot more music to listen too and its just started! i luvvvv uuuuu!

Anonymous said...

Hey! You don't know me, but I've been lurking around for a while after I found your blog sometime last year while I was going through chemo and radiation. I've been through some of what you describe, cannot claim that it is exactly the same for any two people, right? But I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. The pain does go away eventually, life will go on. I contemplated killing myself so many times, those fantasies kept me alive in a strange way, and now I am glad it didn't end that way.

It's two in the night and I am not being very articulate but I wish you all the best. Just hang in there. Sending you good thoughts!

Also, you write amazingly well.

olivia said...

sweet sweet lovely Kaylin. It's only natural for you family and friends to worry about such a precious gem in life such as yourself. Don't feel guilty. None of this was an evil plan you conspired. Shit happens. You will get through it. You're almost there.
But meanwhile, I'm in the boat of depression right along side ya sister. PJ Harvey's new album White Chalk is beautiful. Haunting and dark yet as beautiful to the ears as a shiny star is to the dark night sky.
It makes me want to put on my childhood cotton white dress and frolic barefoot of shimmery black clouds with a wet paint brush to paint the sky in hopeful sorrow. *sigh* Luckily I find inspiration in dark corners of my mind ;)

Anonymous said...

Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is the lovely effort of letting them give to you.

The people who are helping you now might be working hard, and it might be hard for them. and its apparent that you yourself are a hard worker - the one who usually carries the heavy bag - the one who shows up, notices.

It was hard for me to have my friends and family come to help me when I had to have treatment and some people totally failed - but the richness of our relationships - even with those who did not cope gracefully - has deepened - a rich patina is starting to develop and I am starting to understand what they were talking about in art school when they talked about "the human condition"

I'm not someone you have met, but I know that you are loved - please keep posting - I love reading your posts.

Anonymous said...

I want you to know that all you ever have to do is call and I will be there. Whether it's to sit and watch the OC, or simply do nothing at all. I miss you and call me anytime you need anything or just want to chat. I love you. -Vicki

kaylin andres said...

I want to thank you all for your comments and support- they really do help.

also- the word verification for this comment - tummmor


Anonymous said...

The pain will be so little compared to the many happy and healthy days that will soon come. You'll look back on this and it will feel like forever ago.:)

I've been in your shoes...I worried and felt bad that my family sacrificed so much. But I realized that what they were doing was the greatest gift of love. In them showing that amount of love, I loved them even more. They are there to help you each and every step of the way to recovery and they do it because you mean the world to them. :)

You take it easy now.