I was walking around the Tenderloin alone today, running errands, my muscles sore from all of this new activity, when I realized that OH MY GOD, I'm happy. Really really truly happy to have a taste of living once again. To be inspired by the strangers and the grey streets around me. The macaroni and cheese puke I passed by on Hyde didn't even deter my good mood in the slightest (although, why would it, after six months of chemo?).
I was worried that my former mess of a life would continue post-cancer, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I'm consciously trying to make the right decisions and allow positive, constructive people into my world.
I am breaking into sobs as I try and write this, now full blown tears dripping onto the hard-wood floor in a little puddle at my feet. I am finally realizing the scope of what I have just been through. The overwhelming fear and feeling of death, the daily gritting of my teeth as I prepare myself for chemo, needles and blood and puke and endless, indescribable pain. It's not even over yet.
All of this and still the chance to be happy. I can hardly believe it. This is why I'm crying.
You have no idea what you are able to overcome. You cannot fathom how strong you really are.
If anything, I want my story to show you that.