Tuesday, May 5, 2009

ugly bones.

Drove to Oakland today to visit the orthopedic surgeon and discuss my options.

So, so. Here's the deal. My cancer is undetectable at this point. Surgery would give me an even better chance of survival, but I'd be debilitated for the rest of my life. The surgeon would have to take out all of this:

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(don't you love how I bust out Illustrator at 2 am?)

I'd be in the hospital for 6 days and have to walk with crutches or a walker for 6 months. I would probably permanently have a limp. Or lean, I guess, if you want to get all gangsta on me. Because I've had radiation and the bone is dead, they wouldn't be able to do reconstructive surgery. I'd be misshapen on one side.

Needless to say, I'm electing not to get surgery. eff that crap.

Whenever people ask how I'm doing the tears automatically start rolling. I don't fully understand it. I won't be thinking a sad thought. I'll be happy, I'll want to say, "I am amazing, I feel alive, I feel purified now." But I'll get a lump in my throat instead. The words stumble around in my mouth, I cry instead of crying out my post-chemo revelations.

I wonder how many years of therapy I'll need for this?

Never mind all of that, take a look at this. This makes me happy. I had it commissioned one dark and rainy night from Epicbones on Etsy. More on that later... I'm going to love this thing forever.

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Kate Burton said...

Don't beat yourself up over the tears, you've got to be emotionally exhausted by this point. Just a warning, they sneak up on you sometimes when you least expect it. Gotta say the necklace is cool and luckily it needs little explanation.

Beth said...

The surgery is a huge decision, no wonder you don't know what to say. I can understand why you don't want to have it done. You've been through so much already, and to have a part of your hip removed would be a permanent and constant physical reminder of your cancer which is gone. To be able to walk and get around without any help (even from a cane) is about quality of life.

Cool necklace : )

Levi said...

I made a "quality of life" decision over a "quantity of life" decision though I'm much older than you. It was a most difficult decision though making the decision also gave me the courage to try to kick some of life's ass every day. If I thought I'd live forever, I wouldn't be near as grateful, honest, as happy, and have as good of boundaries as I have today. I'm not saying cancer is a gift. That's bullshit. I'm saying cancer assists a person with making choices.

Love the necklace. It's very cool.

kaylin andres said...

very, very well said :)

Obsessedwithlife said...

As a rare bone cancer survivor myself, I think the necklace is awesome ;).


eppie said...

Glad to see things are looking up!

PS Your 2am Illustrator skills are boss!

olivia said...

That piece is SOOO beautiful!
aww, baby, you probably cry because you've been through SOOOO MUCH. It's the most normal reaction to have, I would think.
It's odd how a simple question like "how are you doing" can carry so much brutal weight. It's like when someone gives you a hug or places a hand on your shoulder when you're already crying... you just want to burst into a hurricane of sobbing.
I love you and want you to know that it's healthy to cry. We will cry, but more importantly laugh a lot more together soon.

P.S. fuck the surgery. kaylin's got heels in waiting.

Luke said...

Dunno about the tears thing ... why does it hurt when you smack your "funny bone" ... I think life would be better if we had funny bones that would make you laugh

Beautiful necklace by the way

Hope & wishes


B. said...

I have to say for the record, I've been reading your blog on and off -- and I think you are (excuse my language) pretty fucking amazing.

I hate when people tell me that -- I have/had chronic cancer for almost three years, and it ain't goin' away.. Yet, here I am teling you -- except its totally true.

I know quality of life choices when I see them -- go with your gut, lady.

The necklace is amazing -- as are you.

<3 Bekah

aliterarymarvel said...

busting out with illustrator...im still at the paint stage. you win. if you opt for the surgery i vote you alter the necklace to mirror your own structure. whatever you decide i hope it makes you happy. youve been more than most people in a thousand lifetimes, bring on one more decision. lighting a candle for you tonight, in my prayers. i know weird catholic attempts at comfort, but my heart is in it. i thought of you the other day when i pulled out my prismacolors in attempts to sketch a dress for this quinceanera bit im doing, failed miserably, looked at your etsy page. much better.

kaylin andres said...

:) I have a list of little things that make me happy and Prismacolors are definitely on it...

Super Surgical said...

....something tells me you could pull off the g-lean though..........

. ..<([//]_[//])>...i think iam a big fan of 2am sketches now