Thursday, August 13, 2009
PTSD and me
I've been having a difficult time with post traumatic stress since the end of chemo. I am avoiding the hospital like the fucking plague. Who knows, the black death could very well be lurking the halls of Kaiser somewhere. Best to stay home, right? Wrong, I know I know.
I can't read the archives of this blog; it's far too painful. I don't even remember writing half of it. The words literally make my stomach turn. I have nightmares, insomnia, et al. I can't be in any sort of sterile medical environment without breaking out in a cold sweat. Whilst having my teeth cleaned recently I had a mini panic attack because the dentist's chair reminded me of the chemo recliner I befriended during treatment. Blarg. Barf. Ick.
My point, I suppose, besides bitching, is that cancer doesn't end once you're in remission. It becomes a terrifying part of you, kind of like how Tom Selleck and his moustache have become one single entity. It haunts your dreams. I could go on.
Have you had any experiences with PTSD since cancer? I'd like for this blog to become a forum to help those going through something similar, so please comment!
"...Slowly, slowly the wound to the soul begins to make itself felt, like a bruise, which only slowly deepens its terrible ache, till it fills all the psyche. And when we think we have recovered and forgotten, it is then that the terrible after-effects have to be encountered at their worst."-D.H. Lawrence