Monday, March 15, 2010

I'm so high maintenance

pain status: same as before, but now a lingering fatigue. I can sleep 14 hours and wake up tired. Also, my bones hurt. It feels exactly like the pain I got from Neupogen injections, like hot lava in your bones, burning and radiating out. It makes me restless, I want to stretch and shake the pain away. My fingertips are tingly. I yawn a lot. I've had a constant nausea for the last few days, which makes food unpalatable.

I've been having a tough time keeping up with life. This is a hard thing for a perfectionist to handle. Harder, harder, work harder to be normal. You must hide your physical pain, you've got to fight off your anxiety, you need to combat fatigue. Take your pills.

My collection due date is in exactly one month and one week.
work work work

My friend is dying slowly, but much faster than me. This is terrifying; to have a window into what will probably (50%) be your own unwanted fate. A flip of the coin. Every moment my mind is left to wonder, it wonders about death.

It crosses my mind frequently that this collection may be the last I ever design. So it's got to be good. It's got to be. perfect.

Anais Nin once wrote, "I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing".


I postpone death.

7 comments:

POD said...

Sorry, this comment is useless in the scheme but I didn't want to pretend I'd stop by to read and was too chicken to say/write anything.
I hope you have more than one collection's worth of time and if not, you make the best of every second. That is all any of us (with cancer) can do.

kaylin marie said...

Thank you.

Diana M. Raab said...

I love your blog and your attitude. I am a cancer survivor and lover of Anais NIn and am delighted you have quoted her. You might want to check out my poetry book dedicated to her DEAR ANAIS: MY LIFE IN POEMS FOR YOU and my forthcoming book, HEALING WITH WORDS: A WRITER'S CANCER JOURNEY.

Be happy and healthy and keep writing!

rackled said...

You are not dying. You are like everyone else now (in terms of mortality) until there is some evidence otherwise. The 50% statistic is wrong by the way (so there!). Its 70%. You have managed to see a really poor sample of outcomes and while its impossible to clear them out of your mind, your prognosis is good. Remember that.

kaylin marie said...

thanks dude. I wrote 50% because prognosis is significantly worse if your primary is in the pelvis (can't really amputate a pelvic bone).

p.s. you should be getting presents in the mail soon...

rose said...

Kaylin marie, so sorry you have had to face so much so young.I am 61 with ovarian ca and your comment about the pelvic bone hit home. Facing big 2nd surgery tomorrow and would like more time to see my 1 yr. old grandson grow up and my child enjoying him. Wishing many more collection's worth of time for you. You will be in my thoughts.

Portia said...

Kaylin-
I found your post via Miss Melanoma. I check your blog often, you are one gifted chick. This post caught my attention and cause me to scroll through the archives because I thought I had missed something. Like others have said, you are NOT dying unless tests show otherwise! You are young, your body can beat this. You CAN be in that 50% who survive this damnit! I want to read your blog forever and buy your clothes for some ridiculous price in an upscale boutique, so pick your chin up little lady...