Sunday, August 29, 2010

On this day of August twenty-ninth, 2010

It is with great sorrow (and a fair amount of disbelief) that I announce my second primary cancer diagnosis.

This time it is papillary thyroid carcinoma- I have surgery scheduled for this Thursday. They'll be taking out the whole gland, plus any lymph nodes that are involved. We shall go from there.

The diagnosis comes just weeks before my intended move to New York. All plans are put on hold. I'll need to stay in California for close monitoring. There go my dreams again, off to the dump. Perhaps I'll get to reclaim them later, little lost treasures, just like last time.

It is almost two years- to the day- of my Ewing's dx in 2008.
Why are my cells so goddamn uppity?

It started with a cyst. A lump on my neck, right above the clavicle, about the size of a walnut. I thought it was a swollen lymph node. Upon biopsy it was revealed that the lump is mostly old blood from cappillaries in the thyroid gland, mixed with pus and lymph fluid- my body's futile attempt at fighting back.

So here we are, a lump, a second cancer, a postponing of life once again.

As celebration, or distraction, D and I went to the carnivorous plant nursery in Sebastapol.

deadly beautiful things.


Anonymous said...

You will beat this new cancer just as you beat the old one. The fulfillment of your dreams will be the sweeter for having been hard fought for. All my love, Aunt B.

Ashlee said...

This news saddens me more than I can even explain. I've read your blog. We've never spoken. I don't have cancer and I somehow I have miraculously lived 23 years without having anyone close to me fight cancer. I can't imagine what it's like. I can empathize, but I know that doesn't mean much. I check your blog every so often in hopes of an update on your adventures, but this entry brought tears to my eyes. I don't even understand why. You've brought out emotions in me that I can't comprehend. From what I've read, you're a strong woman and I truly believe you will make it through this. You'll gather more battle scars and deal with more frustrations and hardships than I can wrap my unexperienced mind around, but you will come back better than ever. You will move to New York. Your dreams will come true. I don't know you, but I know you deserve that more than anyone I can think of. Please keep us, the people of the internet, up to date on your progress when you feel up to it. You will be in my thoughts.

Fuck cancer. It doesn't stand a chance.

jackie said...

hey there. i've been reading your blog for awhile now, following my own diagnosis of papillary thyroid cancer in october 2009. your blog has been a continual inspiration to me, but i wanted to comment now to see if i can help as a resource to thyca. i live in new york as well, and would love to meet other young adult survivors when you eventually work make the move to the city. you're an amazing woman, and i would love to be able to support you in any possible way.

- jackie (j . blachmanforshay AT gmail DOT com)

B. said...

My heart breaks for you beautiful,
know I am holding you in love and thought.

Sending Love,


Anonymous said...

I love you so very much! But you are the biggest fighter I have ever known and you will beat this.

Love you! vicki

Levi said...

Definitely really sucky news. I'm stunned as I imagine you must be though you seem to be kind of accepting. Unless I'm projecting my own acceptance as going to a nursery in Sebastopol to watch carnivorous plants.

Cancer isn't a postponing of life anymore. It's so insidious that it's become part of our lives. Our primary struggle is to gain acceptance, which is a huge struggle so we can really live the lives we have.

I am so sorry.

Jen Gray said...

It's so fucking inconceivable.

I've been reading you a while. Found you clicking through a bunch of cancer blogs by young adults (though I'm hardly exactly in your age group, at the ripe old age of 34). I have lymphoma.

Cancer sucks. I'll be thinking of you. Fingers crossed, and even though this is a super hippie-dippie thing to say, sending you armfuls of love and every kind of good wish.

You are so much stronger than you know.

kristen said...

It breaks my heart to read this. I've followed your blog since the early days and I'm sorry to hear your news. My fingers, toes and everything else is crossed for you. I really believe you can beat cancer again. It sucks you have to, but you will xxx

Pateeta said...

Well, shit and shinola. I'm gonna make the understatement of the year and say THAT SUCKS. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this again. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for a successful surgery, and for all cancer cells to DIE! DIE! DIE!

Super Surgical said...

. ..I blame Bush,,

kaylin andres said...

I blame Canada.

Anonymous said...

hi! I am sorry to hear this. I always think the universe leads us to where we need to go and here i arrive today. just a few hours ago I was lamenting that I wished I only had one cancer to deal with. I have two primary cancers too. I "got" both of mine within 2 years of each other. first a stage 3c bladder cancer-- which rearranged my life.. and then because i was not paying attention, heehee-- because of the first cancer.. stage 4 breast cancer. This month marks 2 years out from that one.. and still going strong (knock on wood!) You are a spunky girl!! (I've read your blog!) I know you will deal with this with grace, class, strength and humor.. and lots of weed! (me too!) Keep creating! I'm an artisan too. Yes! Art saves lifes! never give up your dreams! and in the words of Ashlee.. Fuck cancer.. it doesn't stand a chance!! Email if you ever want to talk.
Karen in New York (