Tuesday, September 21, 2010

is this my daily dose of happiness?


My doctors hope so.

The ubiquitous Prozac pill- do you recognise it? I have graduated from the green-and-white 20mg to the more formidable orange-and-blue 40mg. I like the new color; it reminds me of Karl's s/s 2007 pill dresses for Chanel. No doubt he designed the collection with "afflicted" society darlings in mind, but it would be equally fitting for any cancer-afflicted fashionista.

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(feel free to gift this charm bracelet to me any time ^_^)

My history with antidepressants is a long one- I started having intense bouts of depression in my late teens/early 20's, presumably when hormones kicked in with a steel toe and sent my body and mind awry. I call these bouts "The Black Hole"-- it is exactly what it sounds like-- being sucked into an enormous vacuous hole of anxiety and self-worthlessness, drowning in it, feeling the weight of entire universes collapsing on top of you... the usual. Whilst in the hole I lose all of the grounding perspective I'd normally have in day-to-day life. I want to die at that moment, things are so painful. I'm well aware that it's all in my head. Over time I've learned to bear it, let it run its course like a fever, and in a few days I am usually feeling better.

These little pills are my daily bread. They help patch up the holes.



9 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're depressing me.

kaylin marie said...

here, take my pills!

Krissie said...

Haha good call Kaylin!! Annonymous - why read someones blog if you don't like it? You're depressing yourself.

Kate Adams said...

"I want to die at that moment, things are so painful. I'm well aware that it's all in my head. Over time I've learned to bear it."

I'm sorry to hear of your pain. Please take care as tomorrow may be a better day!

Sam said...

Kaylin, I am so sorry to read that you have cancer again. You are so, so, SO beautiful and such a strong human being for having to deal with all of this. I know you will make it out of this okay because you have before! Your body isn't giving up, and neither will your readers! I'll always be here to read your latest posts on how you're doing. You're in my thoughts very often. Stay strong, stay beautiful (which isn't hard because you're one of the most beautiful women I've seen!) and always be optimistic. :)

Anonymous said...

My favorite pills.

http://www.citizen-citizen.com/products/gold-pills

eppie said...

can you put a link to the chanel necklace?

kaylin marie said...

just google "chanel s/s 2007 pills" and I'm sure you'll find it... don't have a direct link. I just remember it being rad :)

eppie said...

i tried that and it didn't work : (