Thursday, November 11, 2010

Lesson #1: There is no seperation between life and death.

It seems like everything was going so well before cancer #2. Graduation, a finished portfolio, Hawaii trip, preparations for the move to NY. Fuck yeah, I made it through cancer and now I will take on the world and make the life I've always wanted.

Now? Now I'm broke, scarred, and still here. I still have cancer. I'm stuck. I've lost momentum. I feel like a puny inert lump in space-time just waiting to die. Waiting out the days. Wondering if I'll be able to pay the bills. But mostly just waiting.

I really don't know how to continue life knowing I have cancer, just lurking around inside of me, waiting for the next chance to pop up and reclaim my body.

I have no answers right now.

I do, however, have super-kawaii cancer gifs



Pateeta said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I hope you have all kinds of support! Have you checked out the Wellness Community in Walnut Creek? I go to the one in Phoenix, and I can't even begin to tell you how much it has helped me with all those feelings. I learn so much there, and I try to steer as many people I can there. I wish I'd found it sooner! Here is the link if you want to check it out:


Caroline said...

Go live your life. I was diagnosed with cancer between my freshman and sophomore years of college. I decided that I wasn't going to wait around for cancer to do its thing but lived my life. Responsibly. I didnt play in traffic but nor did I live a boring life. I did the things I wanted to - finished college, got a job, was normal. Go for it!

Dan said...

Everyone is terminal, they just don't know it, or think about it.

People like us are different, we get how valuable every second is.... Not that it is easy. It's not. But keep trying.


courtney said...

when my sister would remark that she was dying (and so i should do something, buy something, be nicer..for/to her).. my reply was -- we're all dying, just at different paces. i can't dwell on possibility of cancer cutting my life short as it did hers.. b/c if i did..thinking i only had 2 years left.. well, it'd just be maddening.. stifling.. you name it.

Levi said...

Yeah, you could get hit by a mack truck before dying of cancer. (oh, don't you just love those lines?)
Anyway, I'm with Dan (and most of your commenters. We are all terminal. Grace is in how you deal. I often wonder why we expect life to be nice to us all the times --mostly because I think I did something really wrong in a previous life and therefore suffer in this one. Though then I think who better to suffer?
Caroline said go live your life. Don't wait for them to shove us all in a big hole. Live first, the hole will wait for us.

B. said...


It pains me to read this from another cancer patients point of view, I hate when young women (such as us) are living with cancer. I've been in and out of treatment for a solid four years now... always on chemo. But, somehow? Still living. My dreams used to be BIG -- and now they're still as powerful, but yes, they do have some constraints on them.

IT IS still possible, I promise you. I was diagnosed when i was 22, and I'm almost 27. I've had a great love, a great job, almost finished my Master's. The mental piece of this is the HARDEST part.

FUCK Samfund. I've applied for the same grants, and they claim to reject me because I'll 'never be finished with treatment.' Since mine is chronic, it will come and go..

We create our own world with our minds -- you know this. Yes, you are allowed to be down and out, you are allowed to feel like the world will cave in. Life hits us fucking hard, but we MUST get back up.

Cry, throw things, get pissed. And then, shake it off. The world is still yours if you want it.


kaylin andres said...

you guys are so great at slapping me out of self-pity and back into reality :)