Tuesday, November 2, 2010

My PTSD has been flaring up lately. I haven't left my room in days. It's like a wet blanket wrapping around you, blocking you from reality, suffocating you. Fear, anger, guilt. hopelessness. Sometimes I actually taste the chemo under my tongue, or feel sharp pains by my port, as if a needle is sticking me.

All of this free time is exacerbating things, I think. I have way too much time to THINK, but not enough energy to DO.

I keep waiting for some kind of salvation-- an SSI claim approval, or the samfund grant, or a job interview. Something to signal that my life has hope, a direction, and isn't totally going to shit because of cancer.

I keep waiting.

6 comments:

TaDa said...

I had the feeling in my mouth from the chemo too.... It does go away

Janell said...

I guess that waiting could be seen as a kind of salvation. But I know what you mean.

laura said...

So much love and energy to you today.

I am feeling this exact same way at the moment, and I just wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts -- however light or dark they may be at certain times.

I hope that you can continue to make really awesome plans again soon.

Eff chemo-aftertaste to hell!

Stephanie D'Ambrose said...

Hi Kaylin, I've got pap thyroid cancer too- going for my 2nd surgery tomorrow- I'm so sorry for all you've had to deal with- just remember- you're one tough cookie- talented & beautiful (w/ or w/out hair! now, how many people can say that?) you will be ok- this will all come to an end & you will go on to many, many good things- sending you a big, strong psychic hug- keep that pretty head up ;) Steph

Anna said...

Today, I thought about you while listening to Bright Eyes - June on the Westcoast.
Don't know why, but it just fits. "and the truth is i've been dreaming of some tired tranquil place
where the weather won't get trapped inside my bones"

kaylin marie said...

i love that line! <3