Monday, September 5, 2011

playing [cancer] detective

have you ever done this? Gone through every seemingly insignificant reason why you could've possibly gotten cancer, every other illness in your life, how they might be linked, because a part of you feels like your doctors don't know shit, or don't give a shit? Because you want answers that no one, save yourself, has the energy to find?

I do.

List of things wrong with me:

1. I was born 2 weeks early at 5 lbs via c-section.
2. I had asthma as a child.
3. I've had eczema my whole life (chemo cured it!)
4. At 14 diagnosed hypothyroid, hashimotos's disease
5. At 16 started getting chronic sinus infections
6. At 16 my lymph node on neck swelled up for weeks like a golf-ball (9 years later cancer is found in the same exact place).
7. At 20 diagnosed with chronic depression, which notably heightened at the same time each month.
8. At 20-23 suffered fevers and sinus infections monthly, as well as (or due to?) insomnia & stress.
9. flashes of pain start in pelvic area & are misdiagnosed as ovulation pain.
10. At 23- 7.8 cm tumor found, Ewing's Sarcoma left pelvis diagnosis
11. At 25- lymph node in neck swells up like in high school. dx thyroid cancer
12. At 26- sharp abdominal pain and heavy irregular bleeding are explained away as "your period" even though I've been in premature menopause for 3 years.
13. At 26- ovarian cysts (assumed benign) found on both ovaries.
14. Also found- sinus cavity cysts deemed insignificant in CT scans & left lung spot

**I left out all ailments related to cancer treatment, which is a whole 'nother beast.
****also omitted "things awesome about me", which would take up too many pages and probably make your eyes sore, or just your ego.


Currently:

-Ear/throat/tonsil/sinus ache. a cold? or EAR CANCER?
-Abdominal pain from cysts & free fluid.
-The usual chronic joint/muscle/bone pain.
-I'm nightmaring again. [PTSD rears its nasty head when you're the most stressed-- like today, I was slicing prosciutto at the deli, and the cut was uneven & slid, my pinky sliding with it. It wasn't too deep but bled A LOT, filling up my glove. I near-fainted and had a flashback of my sliced throat and that nerve pain... such a specific pain. A queue soon formed of disgruntled yoga-moms waiting for their post-workout-cheesewheel, so I sealed it with superglue to stop the blood, slapped a hello-kitty bandaid on, and went back to work.] But I digress.

I've come home from work now and can't stop thinking about my earache, cysts, throbbing pinky finger, problems problems problems. Always fear looming because I've gotten too attached to living again, having lived another full 3 years, working to the bone in hopes of future happiness. Wondering why it is that I must work so much harder than others... just to stay alive.



Anyone have a clue?

10 comments:

Cancer treatment Florida said...

Thanks for sharing with us about cancer and your experience.So people can keep in mind mistake done by you so no other can be make a same mistake like you.

The Cancer Assassin said...

I hear you loud and clear!
Its awesome watching as cancer destroys everything around you including your relationships.
It's just fucking hilarious!

Keep on rockin it! I for one, love your blog and find many of my own sentiments match yours.

Your faithful reader,

Laura

kaylin marie said...

cancer treatment florida-- what are my mistakes? Let's be clear, here: cancer found me, not the other way around.

my lifelong autoimmune problems have to do with genetics & circumstance, not "mistakes".

there is a common ignorance that cancer can always be prevented, that it's the patient's "fault".

That's a bullshit guilt-trip that we survivors just don't need.

bianne said...

I cannot believe that comment made by Cancer Treatment Florida! How stupid and in-compassionate. Learn some manners idiot.

Lauren Henderson said...

Greetings from Los Angeles. I just found your blog and I wanted to send my love and well wishes. You are a talented writer and an inspiring human being. Stay strong, sister.

Lauren Henderson said...

P.S. Cancer treatment Florida is a whack job.

Debby said...

Sometimes, I feel like a kid playing hide and seek, crouched down hearing my heart pounding in my ears, waiting. It found me once. Will it find me again? I hate this game, but I can't stop playing.

Haley Fish Kennedy said...

Cancer tx FL appears to be a radiologist? with bad english skillz? That explains the horrible "bedside manner"... :/
Have you tried any EMDR yet? mama fish always said it gets worse before it gets better (ptsd therapy)

kaylin marie said...

oo I haven't tried emdr will ask about it.

Anonymous said...

Interesting blog. Kind of puts paid to the theory that creaking gates last the longest(although I hope you do), as you obviously were ill for quite some time and a disease such as cancer was the end result of these miscellanous signs of physical dysfunction.

Do you have amalgam fillings, or had lots of vaccinations? I believe these play havoc with your immune system, screw up your adrenal glands, and mean you are in a constant state of inflammation in which infections and viruses flourish.

Good luck