Thursday, January 10, 2013

Holidaze...


Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and all of those other greetings I have so egregiously missed for the past few months of not blogging. I hope you will forgive me.

For those interested in the numbers: I am now almost done with chemo cycle 4 of 12, the scans are showing that the lung tumor is shrinking nicely and I have surgery scheduled for Jan 25th to remove it-- something I am thoroughly dreading. Afterwards, more chemo and radiation until September.

I am having a much harder time emotionally this time around. Something to do with the unspeakable bummer of a 3rd diagnosis while still in my 20's, feeling jaded and weak and furiously angry at my lot in life. An impalpable sense that I am being cheated wafting all around me at all times. I have no healthy way of disposing this anger and frustration so it comes out surreptitiously in the form of constant grumpiness, which I'm sure makes me a pleasure to be around. It's probably not you, it's me. I've been craving a lot of time alone and I'm not sure people understand why I need it, but I do.

Grumpiness aside, I am so incredibly grateful for the support system I have & all of the wonderful people who have donated money to help smooth the rough path to remission. These donations help me afford a car service to chemo in the mornings (so I don't have to take the crowded flu ridden subway), healthy groceries, and medical deductibles. I wish I could thank every benefactor personally but I realize the biggest act of gratitude is to keep writing and sharing-- the things that brought you here in the first place.

I'm planning a bunch of new posts soon, but to tide you over, I'd highly recommend checking out this book, The Emperor of all Maladies, a surprisingly intimate and fascinating amalgamation of case studies, the history of cancer, its significance in culture throughout the ages, and how modern cancer treatment came to be.

13 comments:

Caroline said...

I am halfway through Emperor. Its amazing the information in it. I got side tracked but need to get back into it.

Find a focus for your stress. You need a punching bag of some kind.... A daily thing to go and let off steam. Hugs!

Thandi said...

Do you have strength to take a walk? A walk ALONE..Hope you get the time alone you need and that shrinkage continues. September seems so far away, no wonder you have a touch of the "woe is me's" They say cancer is a marathon, but at least people don't get FORCED to run marathons:-(

Anonymous said...

Ever since coming into and processing all that "True Self" material I've also become much grumpier and, really, kind of an ass. I believe that, before, aggression would be diffracted through the prism of persona and false self and distort into depression or sometimes passive-aggression or quiet resentment. After, when you're closer to the ground of your own being, the aggression just wells up pure, as aggression, without the previous distortion, and all that comes up isn't all nice, or palatable, or sociable, and often consists of elements that are just shadowy, brutal and poisonous. That's fine. I think all that's just part and parcel of individuating.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUDmOhd7ZHY

-Shaan

hizzoze said...

I stumbled across your blog. It drew me in. You are so amazingly beautiful, with or without hair. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Too many ppl are getting cancer. It's everywhere. Almost to the point where, if you don't have it or haven't had it (yet), then you aren't cool. Fuck cancer! Sending you well wishes and positive vibes from PA. xo

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kaylin andres said...

Thandi, I do walk alone a lot... but in nyc wherever you walk, there will always be people around, everywhere, always. For some reason I find it comforting.


Shaan-- Patrice O'Neal and I would get along juuuust fine...

The Vault said...

just came across your blog you're amazing

Kreative Krista said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kreative Krista said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kreative Krista said...

Thinking of you today. Be strong. We love you. We are here for you. No one can or should blame you for being grumpy. Cancer isn't something that is comprehendible
to others who haven't had walked the walk of a cancer diagnosis, treatment, and recovery. However, the good people in your life will understand not judge you. Three times is not a charm. Dig deep for strength, and don't be afraid to ask for help. If people want to help during recovery, bring Kaylin healthy broth soups and cases of ginger ale. This will be her diet for awhile. Love you Kaylin!

Brad Warren said...

Wow I thought I was having trouble dealing with my second time dealing with this shit. I'm so glad you are staying strong. It has to be hard getting knocked down so many times. But seems as u have no problem getting back up!

Rebecca Hendrix said...

It makes me sad to have watched you on World of Jenks all these weeks, and to see the realness you bring to your journey and share for all of the world to see. Coming here to look at comments and see multiple ones that have been removed by you. I am hoping against all hopes that they were not rude or hateful, maybe just full of grammatical errors or written in a foreign language that the rest of us can't understand. I guess I am naieve enough to assume people aren't mean here. Either way, thank you for opening your life to us, being vunerable and allowing us to anticipate the next step in your journey, always hoping for the best. *gentle hugs*

Rebecca Cowell said...

Having just been diagnosed with cancer for the second time - this time with the recurrence of Ewing's - and all before i hit 26, I couldn't be with you more on the constant grumpiness thing. It reeeeally sucks. But I discovered your blog the first time round and loved it, and will keep checking in this time round - keep up the ridiculous posts and general bird-flipping to cancer, on behalf of us both and everyone else out there!

http://pimp-my-wig.blogspot.com

xx