Monday, December 15, 2008

road blocks

My counts were too low for chemo today. I will have a blood transfusion tomorrow and hopefully start chemo next week. This is quite disappointing- although I always dread the "red" cycles, this would have been my halfway mark. HALF WAY. This marker, for some reason, spells relief. Now it'll have to wait.

I've also begun radiation, which has made me incredibly tired- I go home and pass out every day. The actual procedure only lasts a minute or so. It's freaky, like something out of a Kubrick film- they play piano lounge music, the lights dim. You pull down your pants. Lasers come at you from all angles. A huge machine rotates around you, buzzing and clicking. It's like a crazy space disco party. But way less fun.

Saturday night I went to a local bar with good friends. I saw people from my past- kids I remember from elementary school, jocks from highschool. They all look the same, same haircut, same clothes, just fatter. I wondered where their lives have taken them (I doubt very far). And then, for a split second, I felt lucky that I have cancer. I was grateful for the experience, the chance to grow eons above these guys in highschool who used to make fun of me. Even though I am a skinny, weak, hairless mess, I feel as though I could lift a ton above my head. In a way, I am more confident in my own strength than I have ever been. So, here's to personal growth.


vicki and kaylin in younger times

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Much improved.... haha Jk We look the same but better?? Lol

I love you soooo much and I am glad that you came out! We will do it again :)

Love you, Vicki

laura said...

i slept through an entire summer when i had radiation. just give into the fatigue; there is no fighting it, i realised! i too feel stronger and more learned because of the cancer. (of course, i think i have learned enough after this round.) :)

feel better!

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