Saturday, June 20, 2009

Long time no update!

I have been busy... real busy. Moving back to SF next weekend, still job hunting, fixing up the scooter, purging all of my posessions and old memories. Life after cancer is a wonderful and terrifying thing- my body feels stronger with every passing day, but my psyche is taking quite the beating. I feel hollow and numb. When anxiety builds up and becomes too much to handle, I simply shut down. At times I'm unable to run simple errands, or even update the blogs I'm committed to. Though chemo was the toughest trial of my life, I was able to revert to a safe, catatonic state in which I had no responsibility other than getting well. Now I've got to start living again, hurrah.

I see that this blog has been listed as a Top 50 Cancer Resource on To whoever wrote the article and the touching review, thank you! I recommend checking it out, it's got links to many other fantastic blogs in the young-adult cancer community.

Occasionally I will get emails from others who are just beginning this journey and have somehow stumbled upon my blog and found inspiration in my story. I LOVE receiving these letters. I am humbled and deeply grateful that this blog is doing exactly what it was intended to do. It validates my entire cancer experience.

In other news, my hair is gowing back! IT COMES BACK, trust me. It took about a month, but now I've got eyebrows and armhair and little downy fuzz all over my head. Lately I've been having frightening hair dreams- last night I dreamt I had an afro, while last week my hair came back in a ring around my head. Terrible!

Oh, another thing. I recieved my retroactive disability check yesterday! Holy. Crap. I am so, so thankful that I took the time to fill out all of those forms and pester my oncologist for weeks to get a testimony. I urge any of you who haven't considered SSD to talk to a social worker and see if you're eligible. I hadn't worked "on the books" since 2007 and still qualified. Without it, I couldn't possibly start my life again so soon. More info at

Here are video/pictures from my surprise birthday party last month. It was ridiculous, the amount of love I felt that day...

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Patrick McCracken said...

When anxiety builds up and becomes too much to handle, I simply shut down.

I am occasionally cursed with this too. Maybe it's a Gemini thing.

Speaking of, happy belated!

Good to hear you're feeling better. Hair is awesome.

Levi said...

Happy afterbirth. Sounds like you are feeling better and the 'tude is good. Congrats on the top 50!
I got a letter and sample last week for being a "Health" blogger -- that was stunning. I had no idea. But I must look and write healthy so I'm going with it.

So glad you are among the living and I don't even know you.

Levi said...

The symbolism of a ring of anything around your head is compelling considering the images of rings around heads in history.

kaylin andres said...

oh, very interesting. The hair-crown symbolism would be fitting, but at the time (in my dream) I was horrified!

Aunt Les said...

Thanks for sharing the birthday video. I thought for a moment those candles were going to set something on fire! Sorry I had to miss it.
Re: anxiety
Many cancer survivors deal with PTSD. Don't forget you're still healing in many ways, not just physically.
All my love

Dennis Pyritz, RN said...

Congratulations! I noticed that your blog was listed in Top 50 Cancer Sites & Resources by Asbestos News, as was my blog Being cancer, networking people transformed by cancer and others I am sure you are familiar with. I noticed the site as a referrer on my statistics page so I checked it out.
Take care, Dennis

Fish said...

Have fun back in SF-- I can't wait to see you again. Happy (quite belated) 24th. I'm so proud of you <3 Haley

mbs said...

Whats up dude, just randomly stumbled across your writing and art, pretty awesome stuff.

Keep rockin,

Kelli said...

Update us :o) xxx

Levi said...

Okay, I would like an update as would the person who posted previous to me.

What's going on? How do you expect to maintain your 'Top 50' if you leave us in a lurch? (what's a lurch?)

Huntingdon County Historical Society said...

This is a greeat post thanks