faking illness cheapens mine.

I've recently found out that a fellow cancer blogger, who I have mentioned before, has been thoroughly faking the whole thing. I'd recently sent her a gift but hadn't heard from her in a week or so. She said she was in hospice and I thought she had died, quite frankly.

What makes me nauseous is that she used my blog as a textbook on how to have cancer. She studied my blog diligently, as well as many others. She took advantage of dozens of real cancer patients like you and I.

Here is a link to her (fake) blog.

I skyped with her, sent her texts and gifts. I treated her like all of my other cancer friends who were dying, with the utmost compassion and respect. We even talked about cancer frauds -_*

A quick google search turns up many more. CANCER IS TOTALLY TRENDING RIGHT NOW.

look here:

example A

example B

example C

and so on...

Fuck you, Cara Goodman of Sugarland, TX.

ps... unfortunately I am not faking.

beautiful passing

It is with a heavy heart that I announce another cancer friend's death.

This one is hard, because I've never met another cancerite who reminded me so much of myself; I loved her from the moment I met her last February through a mutual friend (you MUST meet Diane!). We bonded instantly, and when she had a recurrence (in the form of a rash-- weird, right?) we talked on the phone for hours about how difficult it is to be young and ill and to have your future snatched so suddenly out from under you.

Let me tell you of the awesomeness that was Diane: She was a historical fashion dynamo which none could rival. She knew her hemlines, decades and artists, a jabot from a cravat, and I looked forward to gushing with her about fashion's obscure geniuses. She published a magazine called Zelda (presumably inspired by Fitzgerald) about 1920's deca culture, of which several copies are still strewn about our house. Even though she was only 5 years older than me, I looked up to her as this monumentally beautiful, stylish, funny, intelligent, accomplished woman. She had a black bob, just as I did. It was like looking in the mirror. And, even when she had cancer, remission, and recurrence... she never stopped working towards her passions.

I cry as I write this because I am so utterly sad I wasn't able to know her better.

Diane died suddenly last week after complications with pneumonia, which was due to chemo and her lowered immunity. She battled aggressive breast cancer and recurrence.

The day I found out was the day before my fashion show, so, in my head, it was dedicated to her. Afterwards I spent time with her good friend J, and D, at our home. We talked & drank cider well into the night. Diane had told J that I was of great comfort to her, an inspiration, and that touched me deeply, because I'm not sure she would've ever said that to my face. These things are hard to talk about.

So, Diane Naegel, I am honoured to have known you.

I'm just going with the flow.

it probably won't lead me to happiness

but it'll lead somewhere, at least.

OT

here's some thing I helped do.

rachel antonoff spring 2012

rachel antonoff spring 2012

playing [cancer] detective

have you ever done this? Gone through every seemingly insignificant reason why you could've possibly gotten cancer, every other illness in your life, how they might be linked, because a part of you feels like your doctors don't know shit, or don't give a shit? Because you want answers that no one, save yourself, has the energy to find?

I do.

List of things wrong with me:

1. I was born 2 weeks early at 5 lbs via c-section.
2. I had asthma as a child.
3. I've had eczema my whole life (chemo cured it!)
4. At 14 diagnosed hypothyroid, hashimotos's disease
5. At 16 started getting chronic sinus infections
6. At 16 my lymph node on neck swelled up for weeks like a golf-ball (9 years later cancer is found in the same exact place).
7. At 20 diagnosed with chronic depression, which notably heightened at the same time each month.
8. At 20-23 suffered fevers and sinus infections monthly, as well as (or due to?) insomnia & stress.
9. flashes of pain start in pelvic area & are misdiagnosed as ovulation pain.
10. At 23- 7.8 cm tumor found, Ewing's Sarcoma left pelvis diagnosis
11. At 25- lymph node in neck swells up like in high school. dx thyroid cancer
12. At 26- sharp abdominal pain and heavy irregular bleeding are explained away as "your period" even though I've been in premature menopause for 3 years.
13. At 26- ovarian cysts (assumed benign) found on both ovaries.
14. Also found- sinus cavity cysts deemed insignificant in CT scans & left lung spot

**I left out all ailments related to cancer treatment, which is a whole 'nother beast.
****also omitted "things awesome about me", which would take up too many pages and probably make your eyes sore, or just your ego.


Currently:

-Ear/throat/tonsil/sinus ache. a cold? or EAR CANCER?
-Abdominal pain from cysts & free fluid.
-The usual chronic joint/muscle/bone pain.
-I'm nightmaring again. [PTSD rears its nasty head when you're the most stressed-- like today, I was slicing prosciutto at the deli, and the cut was uneven & slid, my pinky sliding with it. It wasn't too deep but bled A LOT, filling up my glove. I near-fainted and had a flashback of my sliced throat and that nerve pain... such a specific pain. A queue soon formed of disgruntled yoga-moms waiting for their post-workout-cheesewheel, so I sealed it with superglue to stop the blood, slapped a hello-kitty bandaid on, and went back to work.] But I digress.

I've come home from work now and can't stop thinking about my earache, cysts, throbbing pinky finger, problems problems problems. Always fear looming because I've gotten too attached to living again, having lived another full 3 years, working to the bone in hopes of future happiness. Wondering why it is that I must work so much harder than others... just to stay alive.



Anyone have a clue?

to assure you that I am not dead yet

or that someone has murdered me and is posing as me in text form, which is what my mother assumed.

I have just been so damn busy and broke. I go to sleep as soon as I hit the floor (because up until now I couldn't afford a mattress). Unfortunately there is no energy to wax poetic about the specialness of life, have a relationship, or f... un. fun? What does that mean again? Someone please save me?

Things I have been doing:

-interviewing 2 or 3 times a week. Everyone loves my work but won't hire because I haven't enough official experience. Apparently the school of hard knocks does not count.
-unpaid internship with R. Antonoff, which is surprisingly fun and gratifying, but kicks my ass.
-ehm tee vee filming and meetings, working with their ACT program to promote YAC awareness.
-finding a publisher for our comic (Last Gasp!), discussing a contract, and finishing the preview issue with Jon.
-getting scans, which showed no sign of disease other than an iffy lung spot and many large ovarian cysts thought to be benign. All kinds of pain from all kinds of work. Arthritis in my right hand from illustrating/writing/sewing.
-saw the McQueen exhibit on closing night, which was a transcendental experience.
- met Betsey Johnson yesterday and had a great interview, but still waiting to hear back. (!)
-creating a lesson plan for a Saturday fashion class for 7-12 year olds I will be teaching in September through November.
-kickin ass and taking names, but then forgetting them because I am too exhausted.


a few candids to prove I'm alive and relatively well:






these days I spend a lot of time waiting underground.

...

what's new with you?

On Wednesday I had 2 interviews and handed out resumes door-to-door, soliciting myself unmercifully (we will omit the ER bit).

On Thursday I helped Ambit set up their trunk show at End of Century.

On Friday I went to Planned Parenthood for a check-up, which is very much like waiting at the DMV.

On Tuesday I had 3 interviews in one day. In 5 hours I need to get up and get ready for another.

unpaid internship= check. http://rachelantonoff.com

blisters & bruises from lugging my 20 pound portfolio around Manhattan= check.

things looking up= /halfcheck.