life is a struggle, right?

A brief update: I am currently working on my senior thesis collection for fashion design; a culmination of my college work and personal artistry. It is exciting and rewarding and STRESSFUL AS HELL.

Normal stress after cancer is proving to be an uphill battle. In my pre-cancer days, I'd stay up for days and a time, drink gallons of caffeine, and kick out a project that I could be (reasonably) proud of. My body would recoup in a few days and I'd be fine.

Now, things are drastically different. I am managing my time well and have allowed time for rest, but my body is screaming at me. I like working with a deadline, but I worry that my body won't be able to keep up with the demands I'm putting it through. 10 hours a day, every day, I've been draping, pattern drafting, sewing, drawing, crying in the shower with my clothes on, all with wide-eyed anticipation for May.

After a few days at work my muscles are burning. Everything aches, from my back to the tips of my fingers. I've had a cold that's been waxing and waning for 3 months now. My PTSD symptoms are out with full force, presumably due to all of this stress. I am not complaining, I'm merely documenting my experience. I understand that cancer, PTSD, stress, and the general "failing" of my body won't go away, and I'll need to cope and adapt. That said, I am the happiest I've ever been in a long, long time. Or perhaps, just more appreciative of happiness... :)

Here is a really great, accessible essay on PTSD. I relate to just about everything that is written.

Here's a sneak peak at one of the muslins I've been working on:



So basically, in a nutshell, I'm stressed and in pain and it sucks, but I'm trying to work it out. [Not "make it work", I swear, the next person who says that to me gets a pressing block to the head.]

I'm not going to go all Patch Adams on you, but if I did you'd have permission to kill me, as you have permission to kill Robin Williams now. I will be producing a Cancer Comic that I'd like to mail (for free) to cancer patients and infusion rooms. The comic book will be called "Terminally Illin'", and will follow Cancer Girl through the hilarities of vomit, bald heads, mutant bunny-rabbit-killing machines, et al. I will be emailing some of you soon with details.

Hilarious things that have happened to me:

-I was so drugged up once and vomiting my brains out that I thought the toliet was talking to me, kind of like Peewee's Playhouse.

-All of my nose hair fell out. This seems inconsequential, but I didn't have boogers for like 8 months and kind of missed them.

-I camped out on the couch for weeks because I couldn't walk. My sister's little Yorkie terrier walked up to the end of the couch and peed on my bald head. FML.

-I traveled into my own body with my battlecat via ultra-high radiation beams and sought out to destroy the Tumornator (tm) and his army of cuteness.

One of those things may or may not have happened. So, If you send me your email, I will update you on the progress of the comic, donation incentives, and hopefully a free copy when we're through!



gurgle... I'll be back. (I hope not really)