Saturday, February 28, 2009

what's my secret? I have cancer.

This is the first time I've gotten "dressed" in almost a month, with wig and false eyelashes to boot. Everything looks rather boring, though, same old, same old. All of my vintage dresses are in storage. What can I possibly do to spice things up?

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Faux fur gorilla coat, natch!! Sacramento may be boring, but its thrift stores are most certainly not.

So here it is, proof that radiation and 11+ chemos don't have to get you down. At least, not all of the time.

Friday, February 27, 2009

normal times

I will be in SF tomorrow through monday to take a break from being "sick" and to pick up my scooter. I'll mostly be laying low with Taylor because I'm still feeling icky from chemo, but if you have time for a cup of coffee, I'd be up for it!

call or text me

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

art ADD

I've been suffering from fever and malaise since chemo on Monday, but I did manage to frame a couple of anatomy prints. Amazing what some black spraypaint can do, yah?

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I think some sort of composite print of different body parts might look nice on silk chiffon. Maybe just veins in different colors, winding up like vines. I don't know what it is with me and guts on chiffon.

3 more chemos to go. I'm just wading through the storm at this point.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

something strange for your Sunday

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"The most celebrated body of work by Lam Qua is the impressive collection of portraits, commissioned by Peter Parker in the 1830's, of patients at the Canton Hospital with large tumors or other major deformities. These startling and somewhat gruesome paintings of pathological subject matter are unsettling to the viewer. One of the most noticeable aspects of each portrait is the expressionless look on the subjects' face. The lack of emotion turns the viewer's eye from the subjects' face to their pathology, or illness. Each subject appears to express neither pain nor sadness and serves as a testament to the human spirit in the face of physical adversity."

You can browse the collection here.

A little Francis Bacon-esque, no?

The placid expressions are not so much a "testament to the human spirit" as they are just inadvertently creepy...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I wish I could share with you just how painful this all is. Not to experience the pain, per say, but to learn. Sometimes I think of my life in movie clips and I want to share poignant little parts...

At times I feel strong, like all of this is no big deal, and other times I am hellbent that suicide is the only thing left to get rid of it. "It" being the cancer, my pain, the pain I seem to be giving my family and friends.

Life is hard, live it for as long as you can take it.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

when it rains, it pours.


My counts are too low for chemo today, so they're pushing everything back a week.

I have to go to the hospital for a blood transfusion tomorrow, thursday, and friday a bone scan.

My mom's car is in the shop for the next four days, so everyone is trying figure out how to get me to and from the hospital. I still have no ride for friday.

I fucking hate this. I hate being a burden to other people and I hate not being able to do these things myself.

Monday, February 16, 2009

she's ugly but she's a good listener.

I have lied to you twofold: this post is neither on Sunday, nor about sex. Another day I promise.

How do you respond when people ask what your favorite music is? I'm usually hard-pressed for something to say. Uhmm. Indie? too broad. folk? metal? hip hop?

I may be a little late to jump on the bandwagon, but is amazing if you have cancer or a lot of time to kill. It's an Internet radio similar to Pandora, but also a social networking site that allows you to share music and analyze your listening habits. It uploads all of the info on your itunes and tells you what you listen to.

I've been so bored with my music during chemo sessions and am constantly asking friends to recommend bands, so this is perfect if you're in a rut. It helps alleviate the monotony of chemo sessions.

Also, it's interesting to see what songs you've most listened to. For instance, it says I've been playing Regina Spektor lately because I'm trying to learn her songs on piano. And I never would have guessed my "most listened to" is Connie Francis' "I'm breaking in a brand new broken heart". God I'm depressing.

Here is my profile.

make one and be my friend! let's see what you're really listening to.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

keeping tabs

I've had a friend staying over, so new "actual" post on cancer/sexuality this Sunday. A few little updates:

The radiation burn is looking much better, I'm glad to say. Chemo last week was quite brutal, but nothing new. Approximately 2 weeks of this hellish elixir left to go.

Learning piano has done amazing things for my morale. I love it. I practice constantly. I dream in notes and measures now. It has replaced my other bad habits as a means for stress relief.

One of my favorite people has procured a scooter for me, and this has spawned all sorts of outrageous fantasies for April/May. Sunny days, sewing, friends, hair growth, put-putting around town in an ugly little Malaguti. I CAN'T WAIT TO LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN. And repay all of you with hugs and kisses or whatever else seems fitting.

Fantasy aside, I would like to start looking for a place to live in the next couple of months. If anyone hears of a good deal for a room anywhere in the city please let me know.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


Let's sidetrack, momentarily. I styled a shoot for a goth/fetish magazine back in Feb/08 and the issue is finally out.

Mind you, I used my own designs, so classiness is at a maximum. No latex here!

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Also, here is a site I've been quite obsessed with : Great inspiration if you can sift through the headbands and pouty faces. Here's mine.

I miss sewing more than anything right now...