creation=happiness=selfishness

I was lying in bed this morning, thinking about mortality and what a load of shit cryogenic freezing is, and I wonder if Walt Disney really did freeze himself, and isn't that a funny thing, how we must always concoct a darker side to make a person more human, when I decided I'd like to write a novel someday.

I know, you're thinking, "HAHAHHAHA yeah right".
But I am right.

I have always written prose and poetry, but I believe I have enough life experience under my belt, finally, to start something truly monumental. Plus, now I've got the time and energy to devote to writing, as it is just about the only creative outlet I can still indulge in. Thank you, cancer.

All of this novel nonsense comes with a sense of added urgency. I am afraid I will die with my millions of genius thoughts before I express them- imagine, everything gone in an instant. I figure, if worst comes to absolute worst and my health starts deteriorating, I'll still have maybe a year or so before cancer kills me. I can write a novel in a year. I can write, write, write. It's just about the only thing I have left.

My initial plot and character outlines are in no way related to cancer. I've found a rather clever way to use my experience with illness, both mental and physical, without the story becoming too autobiographical. So far I've been obsessed with fleshing out the details. Everything is coming together with more ease than anything I've ever written.

there is a perfect moment for everything, I suppose.

the biggest loser

I had a wonderfully understated new years eve, nothing compared to the booze-soaked disappointments of yesteryear. I went to a house party where I found an old high school acquaintance, and from there we decided to watch the ball drop in downtown Sacramento. I had to tell him eventually that I had cancer. As we walked back to the car amongst the meandering crowd he asked, "Are you winning the fight?"

Am I? No one's asked this before. Am I winning? It feels like I'm losing more than anything else. I'm losing my ego, losing weight, losing the tumor, losing my bones. Losing my old unhealthy habits, losing my mind. Losing (not using) my misguided illusions about life. I am the biggest loser I know.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure my answer was simply, "yeah."

I received a package in the mail last week from Ann Marie of Archaic Mementos and was elated to find all of these wonderful jewels awaiting me. As a designer, I appreciate the power of word-of-mouth, so I will show you the goods:


This pendant is a clock hand! It feels wonderful wearing something handmade; even the clasps have detail that put my store-bought jewelry to shame. My favorite thing:


Also, here is another site I've found with amazing jewelry such as anatomical organs, moustaches, and strange animals. If a lover or friend gave me anything like this I think I'd pee my pants with old-fashioned glee.

Radiation tomorrow. Ah, another day.

happy new year

08 not so great

09 hella fine

Alter Egos

The mutant radiation-chemo combo has given me the power of the Alter Ego. Observe:


Hey guys, I feel great. I am single-handedly making cancer my bitch and I've also got this great Linsdsey Lohan hairdo. I will be back before you know it!



oh, hey, an eskeemo only a mother could love. Right after chemo; I've just puked. I'm really scared of dying right now. My eyebrows are falling off. I'm hopefully half way done but I cry at the thought of enduring this for another 3 1/2 months. I cry A LOT. I feel I've lost all of my friends and I miss them dearly.

Unfortunately the latter has become the norm.

Lately I have succumbed to numbness- perhaps I've just become used to my situation. When the pain becomes too much to bear, my mind just pops right off from my body like a balloon. I feel separated from everything, just floating and unfeeling. I span time like this. Nothing else matters. Great coping mechanism, huh?

RIP

A friend has died.

Even though I 've only known him a short while, he has provided me more comfort during this ordeal than people I've known for years. He was never afraid to tell me to smile; he had been there before.

It's surprising how much I am mourning- I was praying, errr, sending good energy out into the ether in hopes that he'd make it to christmas.

fucking bone cancer. eat my ass.

onco arts & crafts

I received this amazing thing in the mail today from Carissa:



It is fitting, as I found out this morning that my tumor is almost completely gone. The Radiologist can barely see it. There's still cancer in the bone, but we're working on that...

To pass the days, I've been obsessively coloring in Gray's Anatomy with my Prismacolors. It took me awhile to realize the significance of this- adding bright colors to otherwise mundane medical imagery as a way to cope. It also brings back a certain childhood nostalgia. I think when I'm done with the whole book I'll cut everything out and make some sort of collage.





Thank you to everyone who has sent me mail. It is SO encouraging getting those little treasures during treatment- I could be having a crap day and it will completely turn around due to a letter. I'm slowly getting around to mailing things back...

road blocks

My counts were too low for chemo today. I will have a blood transfusion tomorrow and hopefully start chemo next week. This is quite disappointing- although I always dread the "red" cycles, this would have been my halfway mark. HALF WAY. This marker, for some reason, spells relief. Now it'll have to wait.

I've also begun radiation, which has made me incredibly tired- I go home and pass out every day. The actual procedure only lasts a minute or so. It's freaky, like something out of a Kubrick film- they play piano lounge music, the lights dim. You pull down your pants. Lasers come at you from all angles. A huge machine rotates around you, buzzing and clicking. It's like a crazy space disco party. But way less fun.

Saturday night I went to a local bar with good friends. I saw people from my past- kids I remember from elementary school, jocks from highschool. They all look the same, same haircut, same clothes, just fatter. I wondered where their lives have taken them (I doubt very far). And then, for a split second, I felt lucky that I have cancer. I was grateful for the experience, the chance to grow eons above these guys in highschool who used to make fun of me. Even though I am a skinny, weak, hairless mess, I feel as though I could lift a ton above my head. In a way, I am more confident in my own strength than I have ever been. So, here's to personal growth.


vicki and kaylin in younger times