Monday, October 27, 2008

on holding one's breath

A few of you have said you want to see less "cute girl" on the blog and more gritty truth. Is this morbid curiosity? Or are you just tired of balloons?

Some of you will see me around on my good days, or you'll see self portraits and say "You look great and healthy and happy as ever". This is not entirely untrue- for those precious few days I am very, very happy.

I am not acting but you are still seeing a show.

here is my reality:
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My life now is hooked to an IV 24 hrs a day, five days a week. My life is nausea, my life is too tired to speak. My life misses the comfort of fingertips along my back, taking my mind off of pain. These days I am not touched without gloves. My life now is a ritual of treatment, my place of worship the hospital. Every Sunday offering up my blood to white-robed oracles and praying my counts will be ok. In Sunday school, long ago, didn't I accept the blood of christ? emanation, martyrdom. I can't help but draw parallels. You get to the point where you can do no more unless it's for others. That's what I'm feeling now- I wouldn't be doing this if it were not for others. If I was alone I'd be content with an untimely end. I'm sacrificing for all of you.

It's day one. I will hold my breath and come back up for air four days from now.

wish me luck.


olivia said...
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olivia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
olivia said...

i just want you to know, even at your lowest point you are still a bright source of inspiration to me.

i've been working a lot on music and have gotten together with ian and andrew to start a band... god, i hate saying that. "i'm in a band". how hubris.

anyway, two of the songs sprouted from emotions and thoughts stemming from the current situation. i would love to come up there and share with you my most precious creations as you have with me.

the "give it to me sweet marie" shirt has been hanging against my bookshelf. i will bring it to you i promise! but for now it is more than just a shirt... i think of it as a constant reminder about how one should live life inspired by outlook. day by day. in the present.

life is one huge challenge, but if we go at it piece by piece, day by day, and think about each painful or difficult moment as one small battle, we can beat them all. i guess in this sense happiness lies in winning... victory will be ours! :)

(p.s. i had to delete past comments cause of typos!)

kaylin andres said...


I'm glad the band thing worked out, and the songs.. I can't wait!

come visit soon <3

Anonymous said...

cute girl or gritty truth ... it doesn't matter , i'm just glad to be able to see you even if it is only in internet form .