Last day of radiation is tomorrow, thankfully. I am tired of my outside blistering and my inside turning to mush. Five more chemos left. To say I've been depressed lately would be a gross understatement- bursts of tears will be triggered by something as trivial as guilt over my mom buying me socks. I feel like a burden. Everything seems too delicate and temporary. I look out and see paper houses and paper trees, origami lives being smooshed to bits every now and then for no particular reason. My current situation is seeped in self-induced loneliness and death and anxiety over how short my life might be. I really wish I could say troop morale was better, but, war is always grim.
I want you all to know that the King is alive and well somewhere south of my bellybutton.
Maybe when I'm better I'll get him tattooed over the burn?
things to be happy about tonight:
++solitude
++clean sheets in a cold room
++learning to play piano
++20 plus pages written
++the privilege of extra time that treatment has given me
++always possibilities
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10 comments:
Beautiful post. The Elvis image makes me glad (even more so) that I chose not to do radiation.
Even though you say you are depressed (and who wouldn't be?) your list of things to be happy about is remarkable.
"elvis on my pelvis" has a better ring to it than vince vaughn circa '96 on my pelvis...
Hi Kaylin,
The piano? You know I have your saxophone... even got it fixed. Just say the word and I'll ship it down. I'm learning the ukulele, myself. My current favorite song to sing is "Dream a little dream of me" (mamas and papas) Maybe we can work on a duet. And don't forget I promised you a balloon ride... sometime this spring or summer. Sending you Love, Aunt Les
PS: A pelvic image of "Jeezus" may have been more lucrative. But I think you can still get some press for Elvis. Send your picture to one of the tabloids!
I wish I could articulate creatively as well as you can. But I can't, so I sure am glad you can put into words the dialogue in my head.
Im happy for you that its your last day of radiation, I would say congratulations....But I myself am already anticipating hating hearing that, as though I won the ability to NOT go and get zapped everday.
CONGRATULATIONS :p
YAY!! Now lets hope these treatments work and keep you good forever.
Congratulations on the end of radiation. Once you're done with chemo, you'll feel a huge weight lift off your shoulders.
Of course you'll always feel a little fear, but that's the human condition. Everyone would feel it if they were honest with themselves, since they're just as mortal as we cancer survivors.
Since you're watching TV, do yourself a favor and rent the film "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." One of the best films I've seen in years.
Take care.
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