One of the nurses brought me a balloon, which was quite touching. I did shed a tear or two.
Now I'm lying on the living room floor intermittently puking and watching Showgirls. And slowly, sllooowwwly waiting for my hair to grow back...
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"If tomorrow morning the sky falls...
have clouds for breakfast.
If night falls...
use stars for streetlights.
If you have butterflies in your stomach...
ask them into your heart."
~Cooper Edens~
“I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.”
~Chuang Tzu~
Grown-ups love figures. When you tell them that you have made a new friend, they never ask you any questions about essential matters. They never say to you, "What does his voice sound like? What games does he love best? Does he collect butterflies?" Instead, they demand: "How old is he? How many brothers has he? How much does he weigh? How much money does his father make?" Only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him.
~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry~
The Little Prince
“We must remain as close to the flowers, the grass, and the butterflies as the child is who is not yet so much taller than they are. We adults, on the other hand, have outgrown them and have to lower ourselves to stoop down to them. It seems to me that the grass hates us when we confess our love for it. Whoever would partake of all good things must understand how to be small at times.”
~Friedrich Nietzsche~
“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
~Maya Angelou~
Wishes
Always
The second picture of you made me cry... something about the look of vulnerability. Wish I could take your place in dealing with all of this...
wish I knew who I was making cry. I guess it's better not knowing, though. We are all this vulnerable, I just choose to show it right now.
The last bad trip! Somehow you almost make Showgirls and puking sound like fun.
Love those balloons!
Cheers to moving forward!
I've read your entire blog cause I'm off work (couldn't walk)to have what were both determined to be a mild dysplastic mole on the sole of my foot & on my back. While waiting for the path I was petrified what it might be. I turned to the internet for help.
I have to let go of freaking out over every path, ever test and wanting/needing control because we really have so little. We are all fragile. Your blog really hit me, a beautiful young woman struck by cancer but your STRENGTH and sense of humor kept me reading. I have a client(I'm a makeup artist) who was 12 and had a rare sarcoma by her knee and I'm very HAPPY to report she is 18 and doing great! I arch her eyebrows all the time : )
Enjoy Showgirls, and thank you again for your inspiration and humor.
Don't feel too bad, Showgirls makes me want to puke and I finished chemo years ago! Remember you're on the way back up!
congrats on battling through it with so much poetic prose to boot!
you're truly fabulous! with and without cancer!
can't wait to see you out and about the streets of sf again!
xoxo
Perhaps you are correct that we are all this vulnerable given extreme enough circumstances, but there are very few people that will ever actually experience those circumstances and the according level of vulnerability. The vulnerability of chemotherapy is not brought on by one trauma; it is brought on by a constant trauma over time that whittles and smashes away at every defense of body and mind, leaving only the thing in and of itself. To see a person at their barest, at least someone with a genuine and good soul, is to see something of incredibly moving beauty.
It would cause me great distress to see you -- so delicately beautiful -- have to endure any more pain.
congrats, kaylin. i'm amazed at how diligently and eloquently you chronicled your process on this blog. so glad to hear you are done with the nasty drugs. onwards and upwards!
seeing that butterfly balloon in the pic made me think of how much it sort of resembles a pair of hip bones ... doesn't it?
oooo it does, how observant of you. hope you're done with treatment soon too...
. ...only a air balloon could beat that
.
. ..<([//]-[//])>...eye brows are over rated
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