Wednesday, March 3, 2010

no rest for the wicked

pain status: gradually increasing aching at tumor site, lower back, and left femur. The pain has been waking me up around 1 or 2am; I can't return to sleep unless I've taken 2 percocet and smoked a bowl. I will henceforth be referring to this blog as "increasingly annoying late-onset scar tissue pain is hilarious." Make note in your bookmarks.

This quote is from one of my favorite books, Letters to a young Poet. I had it on my wall while I was going through chemo. Don't be scared, rather, appreciate the unknown.

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.” -Rilke


Anonymous said...

:( I am so sorry you are in pain. Rachie and I will be in your hood on Sat 3/13 maybe we can take you breakfast? Love you


Levi said...

I love the new title to the blog.
And the Rilke quote is great and true.

ce_squared said...

i'm so sorry to hear about your pain. pesky cancer! thank goodness for percocet and the bowl. hang in there. thanks for the rilke quote. i just might post that on my blog as well.

here's something from jeanette winterson about process:

"Process, the energy of being, the refusal of finality."

i hope your process is less painless (soon).

take care,

diminished said...

I'm sorry your having a hard time. Edibles and teas may also help for sleep and pain? I love that passage. Gonna keep that close by. I'm reading some of the first letter right now and it is incredible. Thanks for this post and mentioning the book, it's a gift to me to know of this writing right now.

Miss Melanoma said...

Awesome quote. You rock. No, seriously.

Kate Burton said...

Great quote, not one I knew. Here's one that may help as well (not to mention you can impress people because it's Latin) Dum Spiro Spero - While I breathe, I hope

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
eppie said...


Rosa said...

Sorry you are in pain. I am a cancer survivor and I work for ChiliTecnology. I was lucky to have access to and found a lot of relief from my ChiliPad which is a mattress pad that allows you to set the temperature of your bed - anywhere down to 46 degrees. I had a lot of heat and discomfort from the chemo and it really helped me. It also helped me sleep through the night because the heat (or cool) dulled the pain - so thought I'd pass it on to you.

kaylin andres said...

oh wow, that mattress pad looks amazing. Maybe someday when I'm a thousandaire I'll be able to try it!

shaan said...

kaylin, have you had any tests done for anemia? the pelvic and femoral bones are significant sites for red blood cell creation and replenishment in young adults, and radiation therapies often reduce the bone marrow's ability to produce viable new red blood cells. they also happen to be the sites that were irradiated in your case. some symptoms of anemia are weakness, fatigue, poor concentration, general soreness in the body. in some cases it may manifest as bruising, headaches, leg cramps and leg pains.

worth asking about, yeah? if anemia's causing or compounding the discomfort, life will become a bit easier once it's treated.


kaylin andres said...


doctor friends rule.

my counts were normal/slightly low back in January, but I'll check into it again... I remember the ache of my marrow struggling to produce more blood cells and it's similar to this. Also, the feeling of anemia- extreme weakness, feeling my heart pounding hard- I'm totally experiencing this now.

shaan said...

oh, alright. two things; first, the increased cardiac output is telling. to compensate for tissue hypoxia, the blood thins and the heart goes into a bit of overdrive. secondly, i went back a few entries and you talk about a recurrent cold---that would be due to leukopenia (a lack of viable white blood cells forming in the bone marrow) and a consequently weakened immune system.

you'll want to ask about both anemia, and a specific form of anemia called "aplastic anemia." much of the time, it's fully cured with medication or possibly a bone marrow transplant from a compatible sibling or relative. it sounds scary but it's actually a pretty simple procedure.

keep this thing updated and i'll check in from time to time. feel better, dawg.