Friday, September 17, 2010

give a neurotransmitter a BREAK, mannn.

I can't remember what it feels like to not be in physical pain.

Of course I took it for granted; it wasn't even there until I hit age 23. Now... I wake up feeling like something has hit me, an invisible moving vehicle that I happened to step in front of. The accident can't be reversed, no matter how tightly I shut my eyes and reminisce about past-me.

The only time I don't feel pain is while sleeping. This is ironic, because I have chronic nightmares- every night is an increasingly ultra-violent scenario, usually involving me being captive and trying to outrun my captors, and of course, a tortured death. The end is usually grim-- I am on the ground about to have my skull kicked in, or I am shrouded and noosed and pushed off of a parking high-rise. I mean, seriously, seriously grim. But I feel no pain, and right before the final blow, I awake.

I wake up safe and warm in my bed, in pain.

I honestly can't decide which state I prefer, awake or dreaming?

what would you prefer?


Whittles Wobble said...

My answer is: neither. Unless there's a hidden Option C available. On tests in school I would always chant "When in doubt, choose C, choose C, when in doubt choose C." C isn't better, but I guess it's comforting to have a little mystery or a little hope of something better. Chronic pain is enough to seep the hope right out of ya. Grit your teeth and read very, very good books. They've always helped me through body draining, mind numbing, fist pounding pain. I'm sending good thoughts your way, across the wire.

eppie said...

if it's an option, i'd prefer to be awake and on a truckload of painkillers. some nightmares are worse than pain because the really bad ones are so real that you're convinced you're being physically hurt, but they also effect you on a deep emotional level that physical pain often doesn't.

whoa, that was kinda dark : )

hang in there kaylin! xo

kaylin andres said...

a note on being drugged up- once in awhile is nice, it can be such a relief. But constantly... you start to feel like you're losing your personality... a groggy shell of the person you used to be. Plus, morphine gives me crazy night sweats and constipation. I guess... it's all about balance :)