Tuesday, October 19, 2010

C and me, we're attached at the hip

I had scans yesterday.

Despite having a total thyroidectomy, lateral neck dissection, and radioactive iodine, thyroid cancer is still partying it up in my chest cavity. Awesome! We's friends fo' life.

LUCKILY, papillary thyroid carcinoma grows very slowly, so it isn't an immediate threat to my health. I'll probably have to have RAI again in a few months.

I can live with this, it's cool. It's not Ewings. My problem is... the extent to which my illness is affecting my 20-something life. It's fucking shit up. I should be half-way to being the next Anna Dello Russo now but I'm stuck in bed in my tiny rented room in SF DOING NOTHING. At least, that's how it feels.

In reality, I am doing everything I can. I am taking supplements, probiotics, eating well, stretching, studying my industry, trying to keep up.

My problem is that I want too much. My dreams have always been massive. I've been brought up with the notion that if you want something, work hard and you shall receive. It's a nice idea but it's ultimately bullshit. So much depends on random circumstance.

Will I ever be able to set cancer aside and continue with my passion, my work, my life?

fuck if I know.

I hope so.


Anonymous said...

I sure hope so! I am pulling for ya...

Scorpius said...

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to much.

Anonymous said...

just the un-luck of the draw....its unfair and its fucked up. but it ain't over yet, doll!

kaylin andres said...

there's nothing wrong with high aspirations, as long as you're content with "not having" as much as "having". I think that's the part I'm working on: being content either way.

Levi said...

I don't think there's a problem with "wanting too much." I seriously think this is universal, within all of us. The big bummer that I think I *get* with you is that you're a youngin and I'm older (54). My kids are older than you (and they never really told me their aspirations except one of them wanted to be a soothsayer. Great.)
In a way all this illness is unfair yet who else is supposed to deal with it?

Maybe you need to keep cancer with you while it's there and continue with your passion. If cancer makes you ill temporarily, then set aside the passion until the suffering subsides.

There will never be guarantees again though when you think about it, there aren't any to begin with.
I know that is not positive but it's pragmatic and we can live being pragmatic.

Levi said...


Don't know if this would be helpful.

laura said...

I hear you, Kaylin. Cancer stuffed my twenties into a mysterious black sack, shoved them into a trunk, and then sped away ...

I just returned to your blog after a long absence from constant wireless access. I am bummed to read what you have been going through. As I write this, I am about to email my director to see if we can cancel or postpone the one-woman show I was supposed to open next week ... because of an upcoming PET scan and possible biopsy that are needed to "investigate this further." So I really feel for you, that you had to postpone NYC. It's really very unfair shit.

I just wrote a piece about cancer and "living in the moment" ... it can be freeing to live in the moment. But now I am thinking that living in the moment also occasionally blows. Living in between scans is not fun.

I'm glad that this cancer is a slow-growing type, and I am crossing all of my fingers and toes for you and hoping that NYC is just on the back burner for a very, very brief time.