My fellow cancerites, bloggers, readers:
How do you stay strong enough to keep going?
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terminally illin'
I am an artist and writer diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer called Ewing's Sarcoma. This is an attempt to document my process and provide inspiration for other twenty-somethings who refuse to go the way of headscarves and hospital gowns. I mean, really? Cancer is fucking hilarious.
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17 comments:
Sometimes I don't feel like I can. After I went through the hell of chemo for my lymphoma and THEN they found a tumor on my pancreas, I thought I would surely die, that I couldn't live through the hell of surgery and recovery and whatever else it took. I didn't think I could do it.
My family got me through. My friends got me through. My pissed off anger at my lot in life got me through (I don't always recommend this attitude). My religious faith sure as hell did not get me through.
It was the people in my life. The people that I decided I cared enough for to believe when they thought I could do it. The people I loved too much to leave early.
I'm so sorry that you are struggling right now.
I couldn't possibly know the amount of pain you're in because I've never had cancer, but hopefully I can offer you some comforting words...
Whenever you feel like giving up, just remind yourself that each and every day is one step forward toward your beautiful and bright future. You are strong, you are amazing, and you can absolutely get through this rough period. You won't always feel this bad, and there are millions of more laughs to be had for you. Each day is new, each day is different, each day is one step closer to health and prosperity.
Here are some inspirational Bob Marley quotes...
"Don't worry about a thing, every little thing is gonna be alright"
"Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery.
None but ourselves can free our minds."
"Life and Jah are one in the same. Jah is the gift of existence. I am in some way eternal, I will never be duplicated. The singularity of every man and woman is Jah's gift. What we struggle to make of it is our sole gift to Jah. The process of what that struggle becomes, in time, the Truth."
"The best thing about music is that when it hits you, you feel no pain."
Don't let cancer get you down. This is your life. It can't steal that away from you. You won't let it.
<3
A lot of times it's hard. Sometimes I write angry blogs just to vent and never post them. Honestly some of the things that keep me going are all the things I want in my future. It's the best way for me to stay optimistic is to think about my future husband, kids, job, wedding. this is going to sound somewhat pathetic but I'm planning my wedding right now. I don't have anything even resembling a potential boyfriend but it keeps me focused on my future and not what is ravaging my 23 year old body. I have lists of names for future dogs and kids. Yep, I just said dogs and kids in that order. Haha! I rely some on others and trying to live my present life to the fullest so when I can I go see friends so I'm not with my parents all the time because that can drive a gal crazy and I do whatever I can find to do.
I hope you can find something that helps you get through the dark spot you are going through at the moment. Prayers going your way. Stand Strong!
Rebecca
Sometimes it helps to just break down and let yourself feel pessimistic and angry. Just tuck a thought in the back of your mind that tells you that you have to hope again soon.
By thinking about at least how I live in a country that has services and treatment available to me that can help cure me. I mean cancer sucked, but as least I did not get cancer in a third world country.
Also by trying to stay positive and strong not only/always for myself, but for others that care and love me.
therapy has been a gift. i'm over a year in a remission and still asking "what just happened?" about the cancer experience. having some insight on where i'm at, and who i am now, has helped. i also feel supported in therapy, and i have felt less supported by my friend/family.
i'm not afraid to bring up cancer, to make jokes about it, to wear shirts, or to show off my scar. if i see it as "normal," hopefully other people will to. some of the best conversation i've had recently have been open, unfiltered discussions about how much cancer can suck - but also what i have learned and how i have grown from it. lastly, i engage with powerful young adult cancer survivors like yourself; i am continually inspired.
yet, despite all of this, i'm still really messed up. i'm not sure where i fit in anymore. i am always afraid that cancer is back; i had never experienced such anxiety/paranoia pre-cancer. survivorship has been more difficult for me than treatment, and that's really hard to accept. what happens now?
i try to make the next step as small as possible. I refuse to think of the vastness of the future and how long the pain could go on. I just tell myself "this breath is not your last". It's a white knuckle grip on life, but eventually you turn around and realize you made it through a whole day (hour, month...whatev)while focusing on just one more breath.
Also, reading this blog. Thank you for this.
I just think about the alternative and, frankly, there are too many things I want to do before I die. Freakin' cancer.
By getting angry, FUCKING angry, getting it out. Saying as loud as I can to anyone (usually a cat) all of the reasons why this is UNFAIR, that it HURTS, that I just don't think I can do it anymore. That it's not worth all of this pain and sadness. I sit in it. Seriously, get in deep and feel all of that stuff. maybe even make a list of things that just suck about all of this. Then go to bed, wake up, and see what happens the next day. If it's the same, well then, OK, there you are. Ain't nothing wrong with that.
Sometimes when I have a few days (weeks?) like that, I have to start fabricating 'feel good' things. stupid shit. If I do enough stupid feel good things, things that I might miss if I weren't around (painting my nails if I have the strength, if not, putting on clean PJs, maybe watching an indulgent movie, a romance novel ANYTHING, the dumber the batter). Maybe you want to talk to someone, maybe not. Either way, it isn't easy, there is no guidebook (which blows) but that means that you have the opportunity to write your own rules.
Yep, family and friends can make you feel better, yeah you can rely on them (maybe), but sometimes, for me at least, that's just a reminder that they get to leave or hang up and not have cancer. That I'm stuck here with this nonsense and they get to peace. DO you have any 'cancer friends'?
Girl, you CAN keep going because the world needs you in it. Because your energy is too big to stop. Because you look too darn good in a wig to peace out. And because your writing is amazing.
Strap on them ass kicking boots (or whatever you prefer- stilletos?)and...well, go back to bed in them if you like it. Just know that you are a force to be reckoned with and there are folks out here who think you can keep going.
For me, it was surrounding myself with people. It always helped to talk.
I think you are amazing.
I think these responses are amazing.
I don't think I stay strong. I just take it day by day - coping with each one as it comes. it becomes too big to deal with if I try to look to far ahead. But I'm still here.
Humor, friends, family, faith, and a little bit of anger keep me going. Cancer was a kick in the head but that kick knocked some of the BS out and allowed me to focus.
I find that people don't like to laugh at my cancer jokes (I find them quite humorous) but if I didn't laugh at cancer, it'd kill me.
Humor and fighting not for myself but for the people I love because really, there is no other option than to fight and prove that you will make it.
I think these responses are amazing..
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