a bad hand.

here it is.

my cancer has moved to my spinal fluid.

I woke up last week with numbness in my foot & pain in my legs, which I chalked up to overexertion from vacation. An MRI yesterday revealed the real culprit.

They immediately stopped my chemo, as it has not been effective.

Now we're looking into palliative radiation.

I know what this means. I've watched all my friends go through the same. It comes back in the lung, then brain, then spine, and then you die. It could be a matter of months. I'm hoping for longer.

In one of my most beloved films, Jean Vigo's l'atalante, the first mate is divining his future with a deck of cards. "all spades! must've been shuffled wrong". 

And this is all our life has been, Jean Vigo and mine-- a bad shuffle of cards. but still a shuffle, still a chance to make something with our hand. better than no cards at all. 

I just can't stop hoping.