last night on Ruby st.

Tomorrow I get the red devil for the LAST time.


I can't sleep tonight. The anxiety involved with this drug is debilitating. Last November really was hell- I couldn't walk, talk, eat, sleep. Every movement involved pain. Of course I dread that happening again.

wiki says:

The history of doxorubicin can be traced back to the 1950s, when an Italian research company, Farmitalia Research Laboratories, began an organized effort to find anticancer compounds from soil-based microbes. A soil sample was isolated from the area surrounding the Castel del Monte, a 13th century castle. A new strain of Streptomyces peucetius which produced a bright red pigment was isolated, and an antibiotic was produced from this bacterium that was found to have good activity against murine tumors. Since a group of French researchers discovered the same compound at about the same time, the two teams named the compound daunorubicin, combining the name Dauni, a pre-Roman tribe that occupied the area of Italy where the compound was isolated, with the French word for ruby, rubis, describing the color.

My ruby tattoo has a whole new meaning. As in, if you're on doxorubicin, you're "on ruby street".

Not after Tuesday!

au contraire

love this collaborative art concept:

http://www.bornmagazine.org/

I'm going to submit some of my poetry, just to see what happens.

There was a moment last week. I was lying with my friend in bed, listening to a mix tape, our hands together. That's it. It was the perfect example of why I want to keep living life. Holding hands is underrated.

Tonight I am sick of being sick.

Emily Wells

I have such a crush on this girl.

I sent off a bunch of mixed tapes for you all and am sad I didn't include her.

miss misery

as soon as the ifosfomide begins to flow, so does the puke.

misery, misery, misery.

for some reason the drugs cause spasms in my lungs, making me hicup endlessly.

The mesna pump I've got to have hooked up to my port 24/7 does not help- I can barely sleep with the constant "katchha katchha" by my side, reminding me of my nausea and strange foreign poisions running through my veins.

One more month of hell.


here is my baldy head.

DO THIS.

SF Beat Sarcoma "fun run" 2009

I'm really going to try to be here and walk as much as I can.

If you are in SF, please come and show support?

I remember being in the ER the first time I ever heard the word sarcoma- those foreign, terrifying three syllables have more baggage than I'd like to ever carry. Hopefully after this month I will have "beat" cancer for good... one can only hope.

linkage: beatsarcoma.org

Sidonie-Gabrielle Colette

I love her.

"Like all those who never use their strength to the limit," Colette wrote, "I am hostile to those who let life burn them out."

I say sob story, you say get over it.

I was walking around the Tenderloin alone today, running errands, my muscles sore from all of this new activity, when I realized that OH MY GOD, I'm happy. Really really truly happy to have a taste of living once again. To be inspired by the strangers and the grey streets around me. The macaroni and cheese puke I passed by on Hyde didn't even deter my good mood in the slightest (although, why would it, after six months of chemo?).

I was worried that my former mess of a life would continue post-cancer, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I'm consciously trying to make the right decisions and allow positive, constructive people into my world.

I am breaking into sobs as I try and write this, now full blown tears dripping onto the hard-wood floor in a little puddle at my feet. I am finally realizing the scope of what I have just been through. The overwhelming fear and feeling of death, the daily gritting of my teeth as I prepare myself for chemo, needles and blood and puke and endless, indescribable pain. It's not even over yet.

All of this and still the chance to be happy. I can hardly believe it. This is why I'm crying.

You have no idea what you are able to overcome. You cannot fathom how strong you really are.

Trust me.

If anything, I want my story to show you that.