Lesson #1: There is no seperation between life and death.

It seems like everything was going so well before cancer #2. Graduation, a finished portfolio, Hawaii trip, preparations for the move to NY. Fuck yeah, I made it through cancer and now I will take on the world and make the life I've always wanted.

Now? Now I'm broke, scarred, and still here. I still have cancer. I'm stuck. I've lost momentum. I feel like a puny inert lump in space-time just waiting to die. Waiting out the days. Wondering if I'll be able to pay the bills. But mostly just waiting.

I really don't know how to continue life knowing I have cancer, just lurking around inside of me, waiting for the next chance to pop up and reclaim my body.

I have no answers right now.
.
.
.

I do, however, have super-kawaii cancer gifs

<3

I'm glad this exists:

I've just come across cancer survivor Andrea Coller's 2008 article for Glamour magazine. I found myself empathizing with her in many ways- especially her zero bullshit tolerance. She died in April of this year at age 29.

My PTSD has been flaring up lately. I haven't left my room in days. It's like a wet blanket wrapping around you, blocking you from reality, suffocating you. Fear, anger, guilt. hopelessness. Sometimes I actually taste the chemo under my tongue, or feel sharp pains by my port, as if a needle is sticking me.

All of this free time is exacerbating things, I think. I have way too much time to THINK, but not enough energy to DO.

I keep waiting for some kind of salvation-- an SSI claim approval, or the samfund grant, or a job interview. Something to signal that my life has hope, a direction, and isn't totally going to shit because of cancer.

I keep waiting.

C and me, we're attached at the hip

I had scans yesterday.

Despite having a total thyroidectomy, lateral neck dissection, and radioactive iodine, thyroid cancer is still partying it up in my chest cavity. Awesome! We's friends fo' life.

LUCKILY, papillary thyroid carcinoma grows very slowly, so it isn't an immediate threat to my health. I'll probably have to have RAI again in a few months.

I can live with this, it's cool. It's not Ewings. My problem is... the extent to which my illness is affecting my 20-something life. It's fucking shit up. I should be half-way to being the next Anna Dello Russo now but I'm stuck in bed in my tiny rented room in SF DOING NOTHING. At least, that's how it feels.

In reality, I am doing everything I can. I am taking supplements, probiotics, eating well, stretching, studying my industry, trying to keep up.

My problem is that I want too much. My dreams have always been massive. I've been brought up with the notion that if you want something, work hard and you shall receive. It's a nice idea but it's ultimately bullshit. So much depends on random circumstance.


Will I ever be able to set cancer aside and continue with my passion, my work, my life?

fuck if I know.

I hope so.

ladylove

I love the women in my life. I keep them close!

cigar boxes: grandma's old
cancer teeth: made by rachel
1970's nudie box: made by mandalee and robyn
roses: from wray
medicinal marijuana: my own

Thanks everyone for the sentiments, if I haven't gotten back to you, I will soon!

Had a scan yesterday, and will have another next Monday. Hopefully everything is going as planned and I shall be declared cancer-free (again).

On another important woman in my life:

A new Ted Hughes poem about Sylvia has surfaced...

I'm slowly feeling better.

follow me on tumblrrrr if you are so inclined.

brief update:

In a few hours I go in to take my radioactive pill. I'll be quarentined for 48 hours.

I've been extremely hypo-thyroid since the surgery but have only felt its effects within the last week or so. At this point, it's a battle just to get my ass up to take a shower.

fatigue, random depression, foggy brain. thinking only in pieces, which are promptly forgotten anyways. can't really write or read. i wonder if this is what the onset of dementia feels like.

oh, and I CAN'T BURP. It is sooo painful, to the point that I don't even eat unless I have to. Built up gas that can't escape, constantly throughout the day, constant nausea.

all of this feels familiar.

hang in there, it'll be all better soon.