it probably won't lead me to happiness
but it'll lead somewhere, at least.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
playing [cancer] detective
have you ever done this? Gone through every seemingly insignificant reason why you could've possibly gotten cancer, every other illness in your life, how they might be linked, because a part of you feels like your doctors don't know shit, or don't give a shit? Because you want answers that no one, save yourself, has the energy to find?
I do.
List of things wrong with me:
1. I was born 2 weeks early at 5 lbs via c-section.
2. I had asthma as a child.
3. I've had eczema my whole life (chemo cured it!)
4. At 14 diagnosed hypothyroid, hashimotos's disease
5. At 16 started getting chronic sinus infections
6. At 16 my lymph node on neck swelled up for weeks like a golf-ball (9 years later cancer is found in the same exact place).
7. At 20 diagnosed with chronic depression, which notably heightened at the same time each month.
8. At 20-23 suffered fevers and sinus infections monthly, as well as (or due to?) insomnia & stress.
9. flashes of pain start in pelvic area & are misdiagnosed as ovulation pain.
10. At 23- 7.8 cm tumor found, Ewing's Sarcoma left pelvis diagnosis
11. At 25- lymph node in neck swells up like in high school. dx thyroid cancer
12. At 26- sharp abdominal pain and heavy irregular bleeding are explained away as "your period" even though I've been in premature menopause for 3 years.
13. At 26- ovarian cysts (assumed benign) found on both ovaries.
14. Also found- sinus cavity cysts deemed insignificant in CT scans & left lung spot
**I left out all ailments related to cancer treatment, which is a whole 'nother beast.
****also omitted "things awesome about me", which would take up too many pages and probably make your eyes sore, or just your ego.
Currently:
-Ear/throat/tonsil/sinus ache. a cold? or EAR CANCER?
-Abdominal pain from cysts & free fluid.
-The usual chronic joint/muscle/bone pain.
-I'm nightmaring again. [PTSD rears its nasty head when you're the most stressed-- like today, I was slicing prosciutto at the deli, and the cut was uneven & slid, my pinky sliding with it. It wasn't too deep but bled A LOT, filling up my glove. I near-fainted and had a flashback of my sliced throat and that nerve pain... such a specific pain. A queue soon formed of disgruntled yoga-moms waiting for their post-workout-cheesewheel, so I sealed it with superglue to stop the blood, slapped a hello-kitty bandaid on, and went back to work.] But I digress.
I've come home from work now and can't stop thinking about my earache, cysts, throbbing pinky finger, problems problems problems. Always fear looming because I've gotten too attached to living again, having lived another full 3 years, working to the bone in hopes of future happiness. Wondering why it is that I must work so much harder than others... just to stay alive.
Anyone have a clue?
I do.
List of things wrong with me:
1. I was born 2 weeks early at 5 lbs via c-section.
2. I had asthma as a child.
3. I've had eczema my whole life (chemo cured it!)
4. At 14 diagnosed hypothyroid, hashimotos's disease
5. At 16 started getting chronic sinus infections
6. At 16 my lymph node on neck swelled up for weeks like a golf-ball (9 years later cancer is found in the same exact place).
7. At 20 diagnosed with chronic depression, which notably heightened at the same time each month.
8. At 20-23 suffered fevers and sinus infections monthly, as well as (or due to?) insomnia & stress.
9. flashes of pain start in pelvic area & are misdiagnosed as ovulation pain.
10. At 23- 7.8 cm tumor found, Ewing's Sarcoma left pelvis diagnosis
11. At 25- lymph node in neck swells up like in high school. dx thyroid cancer
12. At 26- sharp abdominal pain and heavy irregular bleeding are explained away as "your period" even though I've been in premature menopause for 3 years.
13. At 26- ovarian cysts (assumed benign) found on both ovaries.
14. Also found- sinus cavity cysts deemed insignificant in CT scans & left lung spot
**I left out all ailments related to cancer treatment, which is a whole 'nother beast.
****also omitted "things awesome about me", which would take up too many pages and probably make your eyes sore, or just your ego.
Currently:
-Ear/throat/tonsil/sinus ache. a cold? or EAR CANCER?
-Abdominal pain from cysts & free fluid.
-The usual chronic joint/muscle/bone pain.
-I'm nightmaring again. [PTSD rears its nasty head when you're the most stressed-- like today, I was slicing prosciutto at the deli, and the cut was uneven & slid, my pinky sliding with it. It wasn't too deep but bled A LOT, filling up my glove. I near-fainted and had a flashback of my sliced throat and that nerve pain... such a specific pain. A queue soon formed of disgruntled yoga-moms waiting for their post-workout-cheesewheel, so I sealed it with superglue to stop the blood, slapped a hello-kitty bandaid on, and went back to work.] But I digress.
I've come home from work now and can't stop thinking about my earache, cysts, throbbing pinky finger, problems problems problems. Always fear looming because I've gotten too attached to living again, having lived another full 3 years, working to the bone in hopes of future happiness. Wondering why it is that I must work so much harder than others... just to stay alive.
Anyone have a clue?
Thursday, August 25, 2011
to assure you that I am not dead yet
or that someone has murdered me and is posing as me in text form, which is what my mother assumed.
I have just been so damn busy and broke. I go to sleep as soon as I hit the floor (because up until now I couldn't afford a mattress). Unfortunately there is no energy to wax poetic about the specialness of life, have a relationship, or f... un. fun? What does that mean again? Someone please save me?
Things I have been doing:
-interviewing 2 or 3 times a week. Everyone loves my work but won't hire because I haven't enough official experience. Apparently the school of hard knocks does not count.
-unpaid internship with R. Antonoff, which is surprisingly fun and gratifying, but kicks my ass.
-ehm tee vee filming and meetings, working with their ACT program to promote YAC awareness.
-finding a publisher for our comic (Last Gasp!), discussing a contract, and finishing the preview issue with Jon.
-getting scans, which showed no sign of disease other than an iffy lung spot and many large ovarian cysts thought to be benign. All kinds of pain from all kinds of work. Arthritis in my right hand from illustrating/writing/sewing.
-saw the McQueen exhibit on closing night, which was a transcendental experience.
- met Betsey Johnson yesterday and had a great interview, but still waiting to hear back. (!)
-creating a lesson plan for a Saturday fashion class for 7-12 year olds I will be teaching in September through November.
-kickin ass and taking names, but then forgetting them because I am too exhausted.
a few candids to prove I'm alive and relatively well:
these days I spend a lot of time waiting underground.
...
what's new with you?
I have just been so damn busy and broke. I go to sleep as soon as I hit the floor (because up until now I couldn't afford a mattress). Unfortunately there is no energy to wax poetic about the specialness of life, have a relationship, or f... un. fun? What does that mean again? Someone please save me?
Things I have been doing:
-interviewing 2 or 3 times a week. Everyone loves my work but won't hire because I haven't enough official experience. Apparently the school of hard knocks does not count.
-unpaid internship with R. Antonoff, which is surprisingly fun and gratifying, but kicks my ass.
-ehm tee vee filming and meetings, working with their ACT program to promote YAC awareness.
-finding a publisher for our comic (Last Gasp!), discussing a contract, and finishing the preview issue with Jon.
-getting scans, which showed no sign of disease other than an iffy lung spot and many large ovarian cysts thought to be benign. All kinds of pain from all kinds of work. Arthritis in my right hand from illustrating/writing/sewing.
-saw the McQueen exhibit on closing night, which was a transcendental experience.
- met Betsey Johnson yesterday and had a great interview, but still waiting to hear back. (!)
-creating a lesson plan for a Saturday fashion class for 7-12 year olds I will be teaching in September through November.
-kickin ass and taking names, but then forgetting them because I am too exhausted.
a few candids to prove I'm alive and relatively well:
these days I spend a lot of time waiting underground.
...
what's new with you?
Thursday, June 23, 2011
On Wednesday I had 2 interviews and handed out resumes door-to-door, soliciting myself unmercifully (we will omit the ER bit).
On Thursday I helped Ambit set up their trunk show at End of Century.
On Friday I went to Planned Parenthood for a check-up, which is very much like waiting at the DMV.
On Tuesday I had 3 interviews in one day. In 5 hours I need to get up and get ready for another.
unpaid internship= check. http://rachelantonoff.com
blisters & bruises from lugging my 20 pound portfolio around Manhattan= check.
things looking up= /halfcheck.
On Thursday I helped Ambit set up their trunk show at End of Century.
On Friday I went to Planned Parenthood for a check-up, which is very much like waiting at the DMV.
On Tuesday I had 3 interviews in one day. In 5 hours I need to get up and get ready for another.
unpaid internship= check. http://rachelantonoff.com
blisters & bruises from lugging my 20 pound portfolio around Manhattan= check.
things looking up= /halfcheck.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
so much has been going on the last few days & I will provide a full update soon, but I just wanted to say...
to the lovely readers that reached out to help, thank you SO much, it warms my heart and makes me want to return the love every day. I'll answer emails as soon as I can. I'm going to PP for a check-up tomorrow & will let you guys know how it goes.
most often I blog to vent, and I realize it must seem like my life is one stressful disaster after another (which is not entirely untrue), but please know that I'm very, very happy to be living my life.
more soon.
to the lovely readers that reached out to help, thank you SO much, it warms my heart and makes me want to return the love every day. I'll answer emails as soon as I can. I'm going to PP for a check-up tomorrow & will let you guys know how it goes.
most often I blog to vent, and I realize it must seem like my life is one stressful disaster after another (which is not entirely untrue), but please know that I'm very, very happy to be living my life.
more soon.
Monday, June 13, 2011
I'm having a mondo-crying fit right now. it happens occasionally.
I don't understand how I keep going on interviews and keep failing to land a job.
Even minimum wage jobs for which I've had years of positive previous experience with the Company, i.e. Crossroads, have turned me down. RETAIL JOBS ARE TURNING ME DOWN, not even the design industry.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
Is it the gaps in my employment history from having cancer/being in college? Is it because I'm honest about being in remission for cancer? Does that scare you, employer? Is it because I only worked at Bloomingdale's for 6 months during the summer, and Goorin for 8 months before they laid me off?
I really... I'm really discouraged.
I will not be able to pay for July rent. My credit line is maxed. I have $42 to my name. I have an interview on Weds that seems promising, but it's for an unpaid internship.
I'm doing the best I can, I'm showing up articulate, positive, absolutely willing to work, honest, with a resume and portfolio I poured my heart into and a smile on my face.
the reality? reality doesn't care much about me or my problems.
/rant.
I don't understand how I keep going on interviews and keep failing to land a job.
Even minimum wage jobs for which I've had years of positive previous experience with the Company, i.e. Crossroads, have turned me down. RETAIL JOBS ARE TURNING ME DOWN, not even the design industry.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
Is it the gaps in my employment history from having cancer/being in college? Is it because I'm honest about being in remission for cancer? Does that scare you, employer? Is it because I only worked at Bloomingdale's for 6 months during the summer, and Goorin for 8 months before they laid me off?
I really... I'm really discouraged.
I will not be able to pay for July rent. My credit line is maxed. I have $42 to my name. I have an interview on Weds that seems promising, but it's for an unpaid internship.
I'm doing the best I can, I'm showing up articulate, positive, absolutely willing to work, honest, with a resume and portfolio I poured my heart into and a smile on my face.
the reality? reality doesn't care much about me or my problems.
/rant.
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