Tuesday, July 28, 2009

hair today more tomorrow

hair growth update, because I'm sure you are dyyying to know:

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Notice the eyelashes! I've still been wearing my wig, as I'm still quite self concious, but once it gets to Mia Farrow length I'll retire the fake hair for good.

My first post-chemo PET scan was a couple of weeks ago and I had terrible anxiety. Upon moving back to SF I was hesitant to start projects or emotionally invest myself in anything, for fear of my world crashing down again due to cancer. I'm agnostic, but I prayed while I was on the table. Please, please give me some time to enjoy life... even if it's just for a few years.

I figured they wouldn't call if the results were normal. The day after, I got a message from my onc's assistant. She sounded concerned and asked to call back as soon as I could. PANIC. Oh, holyfuckinggod was I scared. NOOO, not yet.

It turns out she called to tell me everything looks normal, and just wanted to say hello. Whew! Good for another three months. How do you deal with scanxiety? I feel as though I was paralyzed until the results came. The wait really is the worst...

Ok, I hope I offend you with this one:

What are Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett getting for Christmas?


Patrick Swayze.

Oooh no she didn't.


Levi said...

It was great to see how you look. Great photo!

The joke was kind of funny but kind of bittersweet and probably true.
No offense taken. It's reality in the big shitty.

shaan said...

oh, hey. what nice eyes you have.

Sean said...

Hey Kaylin,

I'm so glad your scans came back normal! I usually love reading your posts (still do :) but this one hits pretty close to home. I wish mine were tomorrow, I still have two weeks, and a long flight back to Michigan before I find out if my new life I've created was just a dream....

But anyways, enough of that, I can deal with that in a few weeks. For now I really just wanted to say hello tell you that your pictures look wonderful. I'm very glad to see you looking so well and happy.

I sent you a message or two on PC (very late of course) but the offer still stands. I'm only a stones throw away at 12th and clement.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for updating! I hope you continue to keep writing. I read the blog for the writing not the cancer (although I do find that part very interesting) and I hope your health continues to go upwards. You are a beautiful inspiration xx

Ash said...

I found your blog from a facebook Stand Up To Cancer posting. my little brother was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma last summer and is going through chemo still. his hair looks about like yours. it's interesting to me to hear an older perspective of what he may be going through, as he's not one for "feelings," what being only 10 and more worried about going outside to play but not allowed due to fever. anyway, I'm enjoying reading what you write and hope your scans continue to come back clear!

Anonymous said...

Ahhhhhh! Look at your hair! That melts my heart! :) I miss you like crazy! Rachel and I are coming to visit you :) Maybe next friday?

I love you soooo very much and I can't even begin to tell you how proud of you I am.

Love you!
Vicki :)

Danielle said...

I just read through your entire blog... Kind of strange to read of the darkest hours of someone's life on a Wednesday night. I am at a loss for words really- except you are one of the most beautiful women I have ever read words from.

I have watched my mother go through cancer twice... she never was able to articulate what she was feeling, and I think in some ways your writing has brought me closer to her experience, and her fear. Hidden fear, but still present in her tension straightened back.

Thank you for sharing this experience- it is a gift to me, and obviously so many others.

P.S. When her hair grew back two years ago it was suddenly black, luscious, and wound into beautiful curls... almost like some kind of goddess...

Patrick said...

Your Jackson joke is at once the meanest and funniest thing I have heard in a very long time! I just told it to everyone in my office and as I made my way across the sea of cubicles I decided to lighten it up a bit by including Mark Sanford's political career with Michael and Farrah.

I wish you the best of luck and peace within.

TSimon said...

Hey Kaylin,

Love your site! I created a similar site about a year ago based on the same premise...kicking cancer's ass with humor. Enjoy!



Miss Melanoma said...

Gurrl, how do you get those cholla brows even with hair? I am so jealous.
Scanxiety is a bitch, ain't it? I'm 4 years out and still freaking with every doctor call. It does get better is the good news. And the lack of medical bills helps, too.

You rock, btw.

Lauren said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tamerajane said...

you look so cute!! i'm glad you're back in SF & out and about - it was good to see you at Shutter. Let's make girl gang movies & fashion collaborations soooon.

eppie said...

you get my vote for best blog. seriously, i'm pretty sure i visit yours more than any other.

Cassandra said...

I think you look terrific!! When my hair grew back after chemo I went with the Mia look and everybody loved it. They thought I was so stylish (I live in NYC). I was just happy to have hair. But the best was getting my eyelashes back. For some reason losing those bothered me the most.

And, I don't know if it ever gets easier dealing with the scan anxiety....I feel like I get PTSD flashbacks just sitting in the waiting room. But it does get easier to move forward with life in between the scans.

SO nice to see how healthy and beautiful you look!


Levi said...

Losing a Comforting Ritual: Treatment


You wrote about this. Thought you might want to read the article. I hope you're doing well.

Anonymous said...

Just felt the need to say: you're gorgeous. And cute. And pretty. Hooray girls that look good with short hair!

Sandi said...

you look great. You rock that short hair. I know the scan fear. Ugh.

Anonymous said...

I spent today at work reading your blog. I read the whole thing from start to finish.

Thanks for sharing.

super surgical said...

Iam sure teh onc's assistant was trying to scare you silly.......


(...that was officially time stamped way ahead of the curve with that Swayze bit)

P. Rocerin said...

Often freshly-sprouted hairs that follow a mass-shedding come off as well, appearing under my fingernails as teeny pinhead-sized sprouts. These hairs (whether they stay or fall out) are different than the ones that grow in more naturally: They have thin, wispy ends followed by a thick bulge before the hair begins to grow normally. If I don’t trim the ends of the ones that stay they look like tiny hooks and tend to “fly-away” more than the rest of my hair.

Emma Livne said...

Scanxiety, I've never heard that word! I'm right now sitting in the procedure waiting room of memorial Sloan Kettering, waiting for my lumbar puncture to see if my leukemia has come back. I'm so nervous and anxious I can barely sit still. I hear you're now on this floor too?