Wednesday, August 1, 2012

hello old friend

I haven't posted in a few months, why?

I've been going to therapy since May & have made an important personal discovery: almost all of the problems I've had in my life, whether it be with work, friendship, relationships, mental health, everything-- all of my choices in the last 20 years-- have been due to my low self-esteem issues. Have always been due to low self-esteem. I'm tempted to write an entire dissertation but will just leave it at that.

I wish someone had told me this 10 years ago, but alas. I had to figure it out on my own.

So, it's been necessary to work on other things besides this blog & cancer advocacy-- problems that existed before cancer, but have been exaggerated by the trauma of chronic illness. For years now I haven't been able to put my finger on my own unhappiness. I'm starting to get it now.

this book is written for middle-aged housewives but totally changed my life. 

I have been freelance designing and am still looking for a stable job. Still waiting for a disability decision. Still in chronic pain. Still don't have insurance & have been turned away from care several times because I can't pay out-of-pocket. I've looked into getting insurance through the freelancer's union but they don't accept pre-existing conditions (yet). what bullshit.

Still trying to figure it out, 3 years later.

On a positive note, here are two rad girls that have both survived Ewing's Sarcoma. I met Melissa at the beginning of the year and already feel so close to her-- like a sister. She found me through this blog, which is true confirmation that I'm doing something right by sharing my life. Feels like fate. I'm so glad she reached out to me. Another one of us in remission, fuck yeah.


Caroline said...

More power to you. Check out for health insurance options. There are plans out there for people who have preexisting coverage and been without it for six months or more. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I've just found your blog. I'm a 32 french ES patient, diagnosed in 2008 (ES of soft tissues around my 3rd Lumbar vertebrae - L3).
I began to blog about it only two weaks ago on facebook (
Just wanted to congratulate you for starting your blog at the very beginning of it all.
Take care!

Anonymous said...

I've been up to something similar. Richard Rohr's speech "True Self / False Self" has been very useful in my own efforts in understanding the false self, as have those journals I texted you about the other day.


Jamie said...

If your looking for insurance with a pre-existing condition check out It's insurance for people with pre-existing conditions and having been diagnosed with cancer this yr with no insurance it's been a life saver for me. Great site and best of luck...


Anonymous said...

Does New York have a high risk pool? It's health insurance for people with serious illnesses. Usually Blue Cross. Also check out they have lots of listings of free clinics, free drug programs, etc.

kaylin andres said...

hi jamie & anon-- I have looked into the PCIP or Bridge Plan, as it's called in NY.

To qualify you need to have been uninsured for at least 6 months-- and I've only been without coverage for 3 so far.

in 3 months I'll be jumping on it, though! until then... ?

Unknown said...

Kaylyn, I just commented on your most recent post. I mentioned I had Ewings Sarcoma in 2001. If you would like to contact me for any reason, my e-mail is ... I know how important it is to know that there are people that are ALIVE, that Ewings Sarcoma doesn't take everyone out. At least that was important to me at the time. Hope to hear from you. Good luck with everything.